After and Before (The other day and last December)

Weigh Day - Total Loss - 27 pounds!

Okay, I lost less than a pound this week (0.8), but I lost!  Anyway, I like round numbers.  One thing I've noticed is that whenever I enjoy a glass of wine, even if it's within my daily/weekly points allowance, my weight loss slows down.  Hmmmmmmm.  Well, then there was that mac and cheese at the bad rap party.  And I didn't get in as much exercise last week as I have been.  Still, I'm happy with the downward trend.   Just probably won't be toasting this little victory with wine tonight! Maybe some Sobe 0....  :-) 

Everybody's Insecure

I've always felt "out of sync" with the rest of the world.  Not smart enough.  Not thin enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not clever enough.  Not even loved enough.  And for years I used those "out of sync" feelings to fuel my desire to eat.  Since I felt I could never attain acceptableness (much less perfection) then why even try?

I looked out at the world through the filter of my hurts and insecurities, and thought,  "Nobody understands what I've been through.  I'm all alone.  I think I'll call Domino's." 

Then, slowly, I began to see that maybe--just maybe--one or two other people also felt unloved and unacceptable to the world.  And as I got outside of my own hurt feelings enough to listen to theirs, I began to understand that we all suffer from feeling insecure in the world.  Even the best looking, thinnest, most accomplished people I know feel insecure about something.  Everybody carries a sadness around inside that is difficult to share with someone else. 

Realizing this takes away one more of my reasons to medicate myself with food.  But more important, even as I write this, I see what part of the problem is.  We feel insecure IN THE WORLD.  If we look for security there, we will never find it.  The world is a cruel and unforgiving place.  Even if we could meet what we think are the world's standards, those standards are an ever shifting, changing hodge-podge of popular opinion, designed to keep us off-balance and always questioning ourselves.

We need to look for security in a place where the standards never change.  Something we can count on.  You know what I'm going to say.  The only true security comes from God, and from coming close to Him through His Son, Jesus.  The ironic thing is that God knows we're all screwed up...that we say the wrong things, and make mistakes, and that we forget to come to Him with all our insecurities.  He knows EVERYTHING about us.  But He loves us anyway!  When I stop and think about that, the tension inside me simply melts away.  Which makes me think of a song:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

 ¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains-
      where does my help come from?
  ² My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
                               from Psalm 121
                                        

One Day at a Time

Wow.  I'm blown away by how different every day is.

Some days are a breeze.  Others, like today, are a struggle.  It's 10:25pm and I am HUNGRY.  But I'm also "pointless".  So no more food for me today. 

But it's never boring.  I never know what to expect from one day to the next.  I don't seem to be "settling in" to a predictable day-to-day dieting existence.  The only thing I can figure is that my body is really changing, and I'm bound to feel the effects of that. It affects how I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.  But here's the cool thing:  the roller coaster is not tripping me up.  I'm not running to food every time I feel insecure or confused.  I still can't get over that.  Oh, I'm tempted.  I've even stood in front of the pantry a few times.  But I know..I really KNOW...that eating off my plan will only make me feel worse.  It's like, I still have the habit of wanting to turn to food for comfort, but I've broken the habit of actually doing it. 

It only took 56 years.

There's really only one explanation for this major change in my life.  I'm getting help!  I must be.  I believe God has fundamentally changed how I look at food.  I am a new creation, and am becoming a new creation, thanks to Him.  To God be the Glory!  With His help, I can keep taking those little steps, day by unpredictable day. 

Hitting the Wall

I should have known it was coming.

For the past several weeks I have been working like a crazy person.  I've been doing great following my eating plan and making plenty of time for exercise, but I've been letting some other things slip.

Little things, really.  Like cleaning the house.  Doing the laundry.  Paying the bills.  Making sure I get enough sleep.

It's all caught up with me now, though, and I have officially CRASHED!  So now it's time to stop time for a minute, and take stock in my schedule and the expectations I have of myself. 

I've been doing a lot of Taking Care of What I Think Everybody Else Wants Me To Do and not much Taking Care of Myself and What I Need to Do.  This is nothing new.  But it's a bit humbling because I was feeling pretty good about all the weight I've lost...surely I've got a handle on life now, right?

Not quite.  Yet.  Maybe I'll never get the hang of a truly balanced life.  It occurs to me, though, that another thing I haven't found the time for is daily prayer.  This could be the real missing link in my life right now.  It doesn't make sense, but even when I'm very busy if I make time to spend with the Lord things seem to work out okay and I don't feel as stressed about it all.  It's so easy to think that I don't have time to stop and sit quietly with God for a while, when in reality I can't afford not to make the time.  Relying on my own strength and energy is probably what got me on this wall in the first place.

Weigh Day - Total Loss: 26.2 pounds!

So, despite all my troubles this week, the weight keeps coming off.  I'm sticking to my points budget with foods I love and trying to get in some fun exercise at least three times a week.  It's working!  I don't really feel like I'm on a "diet", but just learning a new way to eat.  Woohoo!

Nothing More Than Feelings...

Well, I'm not sure I figured out what my "gotta eat something fattening" mood was all about the other day.

However, I did realize that emotions - in and of themselves - are not a reason to eat.  Period.  MAJOR PARADIGM SHIFT!  I have spent most of my life eating because:  I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm depressed, I'm partying, I don't want to hurt someone's FEELINGS.

I'm certain it's okay to enjoy food and to feel happy while you're eating it (or even to feel sad), but the reason to eat is to fuel your body. 

Wow.  What a concept.  Who knew?