Thinkin' about the Future

I've got my annual knock-me-off-my-feet cold, and have been resting the last few days.  Eating has not been a problem because I can't taste a thing!  So I have just been eating when my stomach growls. An interesting experience.

Anyhoo, between naps I've been thinking about the future...specifically, what will my life be like this time next year?  There's no way to know.  None of us is guaranteed a next year or even a tomorrow, but it's fun to think about possible futures anyway. 

It's fun to think about shopping for clothes without having to go to a plus-size store.  It's fun to think about having more energy and feeling more trim.  It's fun to think about jumping on my bike for a ride on our local bike trail with a few of my friends. 

Yes, I'm day-dreaming.  I'm imagining a new future for my life.  Losing this weight isn't only about changing the way I eat.  I have to also change the way I think.  Actually, when I accomplish that, I'll have won the entire battle.

My life is an expression of the things I think about.  That's why I've quit watching horror movies and most of the stuff on TV.  It really helps not to see food commercials!  Controlling my thoughts is not easy, but fortunately, I have help: 

• And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7NIV)

It's comforting to know that God's peace, which I cannot possibly understand, is guarding my heart and mind.  I'm encouraged to know that I don't have to do all this changing all by myself on my own power.  It's exciting to know that as my thoughts are changing, I am changing!

  

Weigh Day - 37 pounds gone!

This is significant.  According to the goal I set originally, I now need to lose exactly 100 pounds.

Of course, I have no idea if that is a reasonable goal.  I have no idea where I'll feel comfortable, weight-wise.  I just know that in approximately four months I have accomplished approximately 25% of my original goal.


Oh, and I lost weight over Thanksgiving!  Woohoo!

Much Ado about Nothing

I enjoyed the day!

It started with a healthy brunch, mid-morning.  My husband invited our friends (who had asked us to join them for Thanksgiving) to come over for one of his famous fritattas.  We ate, we played Wii...a fun time!

Later we went over to their house for the Big Event.  The food was delicious.  I had a reasonable serving of the foods I wanted, and thanks to Jill's advice, left the things I didn't want off my plate.  As I was serving my homemade rolls to everyone, I noticed that at least two people there had less on their plate than I did...and nobody was giving them a hard time.  We ate, we talked, we laughed, and then I had a half of a piece of pumpkin pie.  When we headed home, I even had three points left for the day! 

From this perspective, all the worrying I did before yesterday seems a little silly.  Reminds me of when Jesus said,

• ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; ... ²⁷ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:27a;33-34)

I praise God for His kindness!  He loves us more than we can comprehend! I was so dreading the eating part of yesterday.  I should have remembered another thing Jesus said,

• ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

In His strength, I can do this.  In His strength, I am doing this!

Impending Doom

It occurs to me that I'm not the only one nervous about Thanksgiving tomorrow.

At our WW meeting yesterday, our leader said it was okay to say to yourself, "I'll maintain," or "I'll gain a pound this week."

Maybe I'll get there someday.  But I'm not there now.  I still want to lose!  What I want is to keep eating healthy, stay on plan, and lose this week!  I don't even want tomorrow to be a blip on the radar screen.

Call me crazy.  I'm just not sure that a whole nation PLANNING a whole day (extended to several days because of leftovers) to throw caution to the wind and EAT with abandon...I'm just not sure that's a healthy thing for anybody.  I have spent my life making excuses for reasons to eat.  I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm happy. I'm sad.  It's cold outside.  It's hot outside.  It's my birthday.  It's Christmas.  It's Thanksgiving. It's Tuesday.   I'm alone.  I'm at a party.  I woke up today.  For me, in the past, these have all been valid reasons to eat with abandon.

And to paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How's that been workin' for me?" 

Many of my friends have advised me to just enjoy the day---meaning, eat anything I want.  That thought terrifies me, because eating anything I want is what got me over a hundred pounds overweight!  This is something I KNOW HOW TO DO.  And that's what scares me.  I'm way too good at eating anything I want.  Show me delicious food, and I guarantee I will want to eat it. I have learned that wanting it is not a valid reason for eating it.  But how will I react on National Eat Anything You Want Day, when everyone around me is eating anything they want, and encouraging me to do the same?

What I really want is to lose forever the desire to eat with abandon.  I want to look at foods that are not good for me and have my first reaction be, "Why on earth would I put THAT into my body?"  I want to be able to join friends and family around a festive table and be more focused on the fellowship than the food.  I want to be victorious tomorrow in enjoying the day without overeating so I won't spend weeks dreading the next Food Fest Event in my life.  I want to be in control of what I eat.  I want to be freed from food controlling me.

I want to turn Impending Doom into Impending Opportunity for a New Life.

I want tomorrow to be over.




  

Today is the Day

It came up in conversation yesterday...the whole "Diets start on Monday" thing.

That goes right along with "I blew it already today, so I think I'll keep eating like crazy the rest of the day."

...and "Well, I've blown this week, so I'll just keep eating like crazy until..."

Oh, I know it well.  I used it.  I said it.  For me the "until" was until I was 56 years old.

Having it come up again yesterday reminded me, I don't think like that any more.  I don't even think in terms of "What am I going to do today?"  It's more like, "What am I going to do in the next five minutes?"  It's never too early to get back on track.  This has been a foundational change of mind-set.  I used to crave to get in all the food I could before starting a diet, and if you extend the start for several decades that adds up to a lot of food!  Now I crave to stay on my plan.  I just have to do it for the next five minutes...continuously.  If I mess up in those minutes, I can get back on track in the next five.  It's not about tomorrow, or Monday, or the day after Thanksgiving, or January 1st.  It's about this moment.  What am I going to choose to do NEXT?

Since my stomach is growling, eating breakfast makes sense.  I think today I'll have a pancake with strawberries, a scrambled egg and maybe a piece of bacon.  It's all part of the plan!

Hugs.



Weigh Day - 34.6 pounds

Okay, not a big loss this week, but I thought I would post a picture from last December compared to today.  Look - I've even lost weight in my hair!

I'm a bit frustrated with the scale.  Each week I seem to hover around the same pound or two all week, and then it goes down a little and hovers at a little bit lower weight.  I'm not exactly discouraged, because I know there's a lot going on besides what shows on the scale, but the scale is...well, the measurement I'm most interested in at this present moment in history.

Be that as it may, I'm encouraged to see the difference in my face between last year and this year.  I've also gotten rid of a lot of my winter sweaters because they are just too baggy!  It's all good. 

Now on to Thanksgiving week.  I am thankful for progress!

Hugs.

Reflecting on God's Blessings

First of all, I need to tell you that my sister painted this.  Isn't it beautiful?

As we approach Thanksgiving, my attention turns to the blessings in my life.  Mary is one of my blessings.  She's a great support to me, always encouraging me, always ready to listen when I need to talk to someone.  It is wonderful to have a loving sister!

I used to walk around feeling, literally, like a Big Fat Victim.  I had experienced so much pain in my life and to deal with it I turned to food.  Overeating didn't really make me feel better...it made me feel nothing.  And feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain.  Then I resented the fact that my difficulty was so VISIBLE to the world.  Other people have problems, I thought, but you don't necessarily see them so it doesn't come up in conversation.  For me, it was like (and I guess it still is) my weight was always Topic No. One.  I hated that.  So I just stacked up that resentment on top of all the stored up pain and ate a pizza or something to distract myself from it all.  If I tried to diet, I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want to talk about it.  Then as soon as someone would notice I had lost weight, I'd get mad all over again and quit dieting.

Doesn't make any sense, does it?  My "poor me" attitude gave me all kinds of excuses for bad behavior, toward myself and toward others.  So what is different now?  Why am I online telling the world all about my weight and making it Topic No. One? 

The only answer I can come up with is that I gave up.  I surrendered.  I gave up being mad at the world for what happened to me in the past.  I gave up trying to pretend that I wasn't so overweight and in need of a change.  I gave up turning to food for emotional reasons.  I gave up the idea that I deserved some kind of "pass" on taking care of myself because I had been through or was going through some hard times.  I gave up being mad at the world for judging me by my appearance.

And when I let go of all that...AS I am letting go of all that...God has come into my life in a very real way.  As I stop looking inward, I am able to see around me, and I see that I am not the only person in the world who has ever suffered.  I no longer feel like a victim.  I'm just a normal person trying to deal with life just like everybody else.  With God's help, I'm learning to let go of my pain, my resentment, my dependence on hurting myself with eating.  With His help, and with yours, I'm learning to eat in a way that will nourish the body he has given me.

It isn't easy.  There are days that the only thing I accomplish is that I stay on my program, and that takes all my energy and effort.  It's slow.  Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still, weight-loss-wise.  Sometimes I still want to eat a pizza.  I get frustrated, hungry, and tired.  But I don't get mad about it any more. 

It doesn't sound like I'm talking about blessings, but I am.  Letting go, giving up, surrending...is a blessing!  Being able to see someone else's pain instead of just my own...is a blessing!  Eating for health instead of hurt...is a blessing!  Having a God who I can turn to when I'm bored, frustrated, or want to eat a pizza...is a blessing!  So even though I'm still nervous about the impending Turkey Pig-Out Day, I will welcome it with a full heart and deep gratitude for all the blessings God has given me.  This time is different.  This time I am different! 

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!