Sunday, April 29, 2012
Losing weight is....strange. On one hand, you think that being thin would be the answer to all your prayers. But we all know that is simply not true. Fat or thin, we can never escape our true selves. Yes, my perception of myself is changing, but I have to realize that my perception of myself may not be accurate.
Also, there's the danger of focusing too much on "me." If I've learned anything so far during this journey, I've learned to pay more attention to the people around me. And I've found that I am so very blessed by the people in my life! I'm so very blessed to have the most supportive, sweetest sister in the world! I'm so very blessed to have a husband and son who love me! I'm so very blessed to be surrounded by loving and supportive friends!
Yesterday, I posted pictures of "Old Me." Honestly, I don't even recognize that person. But somehow, I need to embrace the old me with the love that has been shown to me by so many others through this journey. Maybe that's part of the healing...to forgive myself for what has come before.
These thoughts might be a little disjointed today. Blame it on the Dayquil.
Love and hugs.
Monday, April 23, 2012
It has been SO LONG since I've enjoyed cooking...if I ever did. But I found some great low-carb cookbooks and have been using them for the past week and a half. Made menus even. So far there's only been one recipe that I didn't absolutely love. Tonight we had Lemon Caper Chicken with Lemon Zest and Garlic Broccoli. Yum. This is not the boring low-carb I used to do. Every night is a new adventure.
Cooking and enjoying the food I'm making is a major step for me in making peace with food. I'm even making peace with cleaning up afterwards. I used to have a hard and fast rule that if I did the cooking, someone else had to do the dishes. But even the cleaning has become a joyful activity!
I guess somewhere along the way some parts of me got broken. I'm not sure I'll ever understand the "why" of it all. But I'm glad that I can still enjoy the healing that comes from putting my trust in God. I feel His love all around me, guiding me, nudging me to try new things. It's even getting to the point that I'm more excited about these other changes in my life than the weight loss!
Okay. Maybe just AS excited...
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I continue to be surprised by the things that are revealed to me as this journey continues. What came to mind today is the amount of time I have spent in my life...well...kicking and screaming. Like, I don't want to do this thing. Or, Don't make me do that thing. I'm not having any fun. This is hard!
The humbling part is the realization that even though I am no longer two years old, I still can exhibit this kind of behavior. This immature, stomp my foot, do it my way behavior.
I look at this information with what feels like a sort of detached "hmmm...this is interesting" point of view. And a "hmmm...this is unattractive" observation.
And I think of one of my favorite passages from the Bible (one I have also written about recently): "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." And I wonder, can I rewrite that a little?
Let's see: "Cindy is patient, Cindy is kind. Cindy does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Cindy is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Cindy does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Cindy always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Doesn't quite ring true on every point.
HOWEVER, I like the idea of heading in the direction of making it true. Of growing up. Of putting an angry past behind me. Of loving.
I like the idea of being willing to try.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Based on how I've been feeling this past week, low carb is the ticket for me! I have more energy, I'm feeling more optimistic in general, AND I'm losing weight!
Now the trick will be to make sure I'm eating healthy low carb and not just lazily sticking to eggs and grilled chicken breasts. That means using recipes and eating lots and lots of healthy and interesting vegetables too.
I can't believed I've ventured all the way from considering going Vegan to THIS. In a way, though, it's like going on a long road trip. Part of the fun of the journey is you never know what's around the next corner. And the bottom line is, as long as I keep praying and trusting in God's guidance system I know I can make it to my destination...even if there are a few pot holes along the road.
No doubt there are some more technical difficulties coming my way, but for today I'm just enjoying the ride!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Oh, be careful, little mouth, what you eat,
For your father up above
is looking down in love,
So, be careful little mouth, what you eat!"
Being careful is about watching out for the unexpected pitfall and staying away from activities that can lead to disaster.
It occurred to me, this morning, that I haven't been careful.
Part of the healing needed to reach my goal weight is being willing to take responsibility for my past actions. I wasn't careful. I ate with abandon. I ignored the looming consequences of eating too much. Oh, sure, I thought I had good reasons for my choices to eat. It's a special occasion. It's a holiday. I'm bored. It's Tuesday. I woke up today.
Bottom line...I wasn't careful.
I need to remember that God isn't looking at me in judgment, but with the love that doesn't want me to hurt myself. He knows the pain I would face from overeating. He knows the rejection I would experience. He knows the discomfort I would feel.
He loves me. He wants me to be careful...not only with what I eat, but with what I think about, the words I use, and the things I do.
He's looking down.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I love the blessings of community and friendship. It's a very powerful thing...to know you are not alone in the world, not alone in what you are facing, not alone when you have joys to share!
I spent many years alone, isolating myself because I didn't feel acceptable to the world. Now I can see what a mistake that was. When I started doing things I was afraid of, like putting on a bathing suit and getting in the pool, it's like a whole new world opened up to me. I've learned that we all feel unacceptable. We all struggle. But if we share those concerns with each other, they don't seem so impossible to bear. It's a beautiful thing!
So, here's a big THANK YOU to all my friends who are here with me. I love you! I need you! I'm grateful for all your advice and your giggles and for sharing your fears with me, too.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.
Counting points. Staying within acceptable parameters. Exercising.
Pulling my hair out!
It's like there is this invisible wall that I can't get through. I can get down to a certain number. Then the next day I'm up a pound. Then back to that number. Then up. Then down. Then up. Then up again. Then down to that number. Then up.
Add to that, I'm hungry. Being hungry is okay if you get rewarded with weight loss. But this?
So I'm going to try low carb for a while to see if that can get me through this invisible, but very real, barrier. Still counting points, mind you.
No wonder I've had so much trouble losing weight in the past! This is HARD!
I'd offer you a hug, but you might want to keep your distance just in case I explode.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
My dieting efforts have come to what seems to be a rubber wall. I have been bouncing around the same three pounds for a month now. Add to that frustration that I have had three very hungry days in a row now. I'm discouraged. I can't see the light. My hope for the future is wavering.
Tomorrow, as I said, is Easter. As a Christian, I know that tomorrow we'll be celebrating the glorious resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. After the darkness of Good Friday, Easter is a day of almost unspeakable joy! It's my favorite holiday. The celebration of life, of hope, of triumph!
This morning I was thinking about that original Easter, and it occurred to me that the people who had just watched Jesus die on the cross did not know, the day after that happened, that He was going to rise from the dead the next day. They were devastated and discouraged. Their hope was gone. They were not anticipating the unspeakable joy that was to be their tomorrow, because they didn't know it coming.
There have been so many times in my life that I have given up because I couldn't see what might have been unspeakable joy waiting for me just around the corner. I have turned my back on people, opportunities...and trying to lose weight. I have to wonder...how many times have I missed the joy because I turned away from the hope of tomorrow?
So this Resurrection Eve, I will hang onto that hope. I will not turn away from the promise God has given me of new life. And I will trust that He will give me that new life, whether I lose another 50 pounds, or not another ounce.
Monday, April 2, 2012
The second was to decide to start over. Period.
And I'm happy to report that after a week of point counting I'm losing again!
March was definitely month of adjustments. Diet adjustments. Attitude adjustments. I also cleaned out my closet and took out the clothes that no longer fit me because they are too big.
My goal still seems far away. But winter is over. Today I'll be walking in the heated pool in our neighborhood, taking the next steps toward reaching that goal.
Something kinda neat happened last night. We went to an amazing "Living Last Supper" performance at the church of one of my husband's work friends. Afterwards we went up and my hubby introduced me to his friend...who told me I was pretty! It has been a LONG TIME since that has happened!
It seems like I should say something profound, but I can't think of anything. I'm just going to grab my purse and head to the grocery store and get started on my day.