Words

Words.  They are powerful things.  Once spoken, they cannot be "un-uttered."  They hang there--in the air--FOREVER--over the heads of those they were spoken to.  They play like recordings in our minds, especially the words that hurt.  

I have some words hanging over me.  "You're the best employee I ever had in this job, but you need to lose weight."  "I like everything about you...except your body."    "I'm not going to tell you you're pretty.  I don't lie."  "You're not good enough for me."  My ex-hubby told me he wouldn't hold my hand in public because he didn't want people (strangers, even) to know we were together. Emphasis on the "ex".

Many of these things were said to me when I was 100 pounds lighter than I am now.  I distinctly remember coming to a point in my life where I believed I could never be good enough for anyone because of my weight, so why bother?  I believed that even if I lost as much weight as I possibly could, I would still not be good enough because I have a less-than-perfect body type to begin with.

I guess today I'm just curious..wondering why any of us think it's our job in the first place to point out what is wrong with someone else.  I'm paraphrasing, but the Bible tells us to first remove the LOG from our own eye before we try to take out the splinter from someone else's eye.  I have to consider that some of the hurtful things said to me about my weight were said in the spirit of "helping" me.  I just believe there are better ways of helping people than giving them a laundry list of their physical faults.

The bottom line is that words matter.  Words can tear people down or build them up.  They can hurt, or they can heal.  It has taken me a long time to get past the hurts of the words spoken to me over the years about my weight.  And now I am grateful for the encouraging words that are coming my way as I work toward taking better care of myself.  Hugs.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 

The Joy of Restraint

"There is a limit to enjoyment, though the sources of wealth be boundless; and the choicest pleasures of life lie within the ring of moderation."  --Martin Farquhar Tupper, Proverbial Philosophy



Only two days left.  It's been a most memorable holiday season.  I learned some things.  I think the most important lesson was the realizing that I could enjoy the holidays, including special foods (in moderation) and being with people I love, WITHOUT eating too much and regretting it later. 

It's a new concept for me.  I have heard this idea bantered about in years past (usually by well-meaning diet counselors) but never had the urge, until this year, to actually put the idea to the test.  It hasn't been easy, and I didn't do it perfectly, but it was totally worth the effort. 

The hardest part of it all has been bucking the "eat 'till you explode" system of our holiday traditions.  Part of the struggle was peer pressure, but a good portion of the struggle was within my own mind.  I'm just like everyone else.  I wanted to eat the cookies and the pies and all the other yummies that were available at every opportunity.  And I did enjoy a cookie here and a bite of pie there.  Oh yeah...and the Haagen Dazs! 

Now that it's almost over, I've been thinking about how I can handle it next year--hopefully with a little more grace and a little less panic.  At least now I know it's possible to face a bowl of stuffing without stuffing my face.  I know it's possible to lose weight over the holidays instead of gaining it (grand total coming soon!)  I've learned the joy that results from restraint!  Who knew that NOT indulging my every eating whim would be so....satisfying? 

An aside . . . I went to the year-end inventory clearance at my favorite plus-size store and guess what?  Most everything they had was too big for me!  I need some smaller jeans, but I already own the smallest size they carry.  Amazing.

The feasting continues

We were invited to a post Christmas brunch yesterday. I admit, I've been worried about it. But when we got there I was relieved to see a big platter of fresh fruit and even a spinach salad with no dressing to go with the quiche and croissants. The quiche was crustless--another bonus. So after eating a modest portion of quiche with a half of a croissant and generous helpings of spinach and fruit, I felt confident, in control, and yes...I'll say it...downright pleased with myself. That's why, when our host passed around a plate of cookies for dessert to go with a very small serving if ice cream, I said to myself, Why not?

After brunch I noticed the empty ice cream container in the kitchen. Haagen Dazs. Still, I didn't panic. How many points could it be? It was only a small serving.

How many points?  How about EIGHT? I have had entire meals that were less than eight points! The grand points total for brunch: twenty-one. The ice cream tasted good, but it wasn't worth it. That one tiny serving of ice cream accounted for more than one third of the calories for the entire meal. Looking at it anther way, that one little scoop of ice cream was 25% of my calories for the entire day!

It blows my mind. WW is not about deprivation, but about enjoying food.  But I have learned that it is much easier to enjoy food when you know that what you are eating is not only delicious, but good for you. And now I have learned that innocent-looking little servings of "something" may not be so innocent.

I'm grateful that we had healthy choices at the brunch to offset the more fattening offerings. I'm grateful that throughout this holiday season I have continued to lose weight, even if it has been slow going. I'm grateful that the New Years Eve party we are going to is a potluck, and I will be able to bring something healthy and delicious to share. I'm grateful that the season of feasting is almost over!

Weigh Day - Minus 41.4 pounds..and Merry Christmas!

My Christmas present to myself - absent inches!

I've lost 4.5" off my chest, 5" off my waist, 9" off my hips, and even 3/4" off my wrist and 3/4" off my forearm!

I wore a lovely red dress to Christmas Eve service last night that six months ago didn't even begin to fit.  I had to wear it, because next year it's going to be too big.

God willing.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.  I couldn't do this without you!  I'm sure you'll understand if I skip the cake.

Rude Awakenings

It figures.  Just when I think I've got a handle on this, and that my body has adjusted to eating less...BAM!  HUNGRY DAY!  Yesterday was absolutely miserable.  Every time I ate something, it was like dropping food into a black hole.  I felt even more hungry than before I ate!

Every morsel of food in the house that I am so careful about weighing and measuring started calling my name.  I am not talking about the apples and bananas here, which have no WW points value.  No.  I'm talking little red potatoes.  "Mash us!  Put butter on us!  Make some gravy!"  Tortilla chips.  "We're yummy.  We're salty.  Look...there's some picante sauce."  Pasta.  "We'll be ready in just a few minutes.  Boil some water.  There's a can of marinara behind us.  Come on!"

Thank God I didn't have any little powdered sugar donuts.

I decided to eat, but made a bargain with myself that I had to record every bite.  I had an extra Lean Cuisine.  I made some mashed potatoes (without butter).  By the time my husband got home after work, I only had 5 points left for the day.  I usually have 12-17.  It's possible to eat a 5-point meal, but that wouldn't do!  I dipped into the seldom-touched Weekly Points and just had my normal dinner.  What a day!

The whole thing was a little scary.  But in a strange way, it was also a little comforting.  I'm normal.  I'm not a super-hero dieting genius.  What I'm doing here isn't easy.  I'm going to have days that are harder than others...from Now On.  Everybody has them.

I've been so focused on negotiating around the Christmas feasting, I had forgotten some of these truths.  Today my appetite has settled down, and my morning bowl of oatmeal has left a nice, full feeling in my tummy.  I hope I don't have another Hungry Day for a long time!

Hugs.

I'm Flying!

For my entire adult life, I have longed to have a comfortable, clean and organized home. I just never seemed to be able to translate that longing into reality.   If you stopped by my house, I would probably let you in, but spend most of the time you were here apologizing for the mess.

I've known about this great website:  www.flylady.net.  It's a fantastic resource for helping yourself to get organized and lead a more productive life. Even though I first learned about the site several years ago, I hadn't managed to follow the suggestions...until this week! And you know what?  It's EASY!  I can easily see a future for our home of organized cleanliness, and more time for me.

And this relates to dieting...how?  For me, it seems like two sides of the same coin.  I have lived a life of self-indulgence.  Eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted even if it wasn't good me, and doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, even if it meant neglecting my housework.  Let's face it, chores are not always fun.  And we sometimes look at eating right the same way.  I mean, why go to the trouble to make a giant healthy salad when you'd rather drive through McD's?  Why bother tidying up the living room when you'd rather sit and watch TV?  Eating right.  Keeping your house clean.  Same mindset.

It'll be a while before my house is in tip-top condition, but I can finally see the light.  I know I'm on the right path to get to where I want to be, both with my eating and my organization.  I used to rebel against following rules (in dieting and in life), but now I understand that the right rules can truly bring us freedom.  I see a brighter future ahead!

From Psalm 119 (NIV)

 ³³ Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.
³⁴ Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.^[b]
38 Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.
. . .
 ¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

A Skinny Little Christmas

I go to WW with my friend and neighbor, who is also Cindy.  At our meeting yesterday she brought this little song (sung to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas) and we all sang it together.  It was so much fun, I thought you might want to sing along:

Have yourself a skinny little Christmas,
Let your plate be light.
From now on your troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a skinny little Christmas,
Give your weight the boot.
Fill your plate with veggies, turkey and some fruit.

Here we learn of a better way,
We'll have better days real soon.
No sad songs anymore for us,
We'll be singing happy tunes!

With our friends we'll fight our fat together,
If the fates allow.
When we look into the mirror, we'll say "WOW!"
So have yourself a skinny little Christmas now.

Hugs.  (By the way, this is my 100th post!)

Self Examination...

When I started this whole process, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

I didn't know that writing a blog would prove to be as challenging, if not more so, than changing the way I eat!

A blog is by its nature self indulgent.  It's casual.  It catches me where I am.  Like the life I'm recording here, it's sometimes boring, sometimes funny, and every once in a while profound. 

To those of you hanging in there with me through this journey, thanks.  Thank you for walking beside me through my daily struggles and occasional triumphs, my rants and raves and my glimpses of clarity.  The very act of writing my thoughts down during all this has helped me work some things out, but it's a little like walking around in a bikini when you'd rather be in full body armor.  Being open about my struggles, I believe, has been a key element to my success thus far.  It still makes me a little nervous though.  When we show people who we really are, we're bound to lose a few along the way.  On the other hand, the Bible teaches us to share our burdens and to help each other get through this thing we call life.   I'm grateful for all of you who are helping me and sharing my burdens here.  Thank you!

Weigh Day - Another stick of butter - 40.4!

Another week, another stick of butter gone.

Woohoo!

To God be the glory!  (He gets the glory; I get the smaller pants.  I call that win-win.)

Envisioning the future

This is Jane.  I saved her picture because she is the same height as me, and she lost about the same amount of weight I'm trying to lose.  Seeing this picture helps me visualize how I might look when I reach my goal sometime in the distant future.

I spend a lot of time online looking at before and after weight loss pictures.  I've been overweight for so long and looking at these success stories helps me focus on what's coming instead of getting bogged down in how I used to be.  It's so encouraging to see people who have actually lost over a hundred pounds!  It encourages me because if they did it, I can do it too. 

I also love seeing how different people look after they've lost a lot of weight.  It's like they unwrapped the package of who God made them to be!  Sometimes, I've noticed, overweight people look similar.  But when they lose weight they look more, well, distinct.  I love that. 

Just musing tonight.  Hugs.

Just Checking In...

So this is what I look like 40 pounds lighter than when I started.  It will be interesting to see what I look like again 40 more pounds from now.

I have to admit that seeing the physical changes inspires me to keep going.  There is hope.  And we're almost through the whole Christmas food-fest season!  It will be a relief to have that over. 

Some new folks showed up at our WW meeting last Tuesday.  I say woohoo to those who are willing start eating right in the midst of party season! 

Hugs.

Accidentally Changing on Purpose

I started this whole process because I wanted to change.

Now, I'm changing....and it surprises me!

At the beginning, I suppose I was just focused on getting rid of all the extra layers of fat on my body.  It wasn't so much that I wanted to be thin, I just didn't want to be fat any more.  161 sticks of butter later, I'm achieving that goal.  But along the way other things--unexpected things--are changing.  For example:

I want to exercise, and get frustrated when I can't.

I actually enjoy eating fresh, healthy food instead of donuts and cakes and cheeseburgers.

I no longer feel out of control around food.

I'm learning to live life in gratitude toward my loving Lord instead of feeling angry and afraid most of the time.

For the first time in my life and in all my dieting efforts, I believe I can reach my goal weight!

The thought occurs to me...what other changes are in store for me on this journey?  What other surprises am I going to find along the way?  It's kind of exciting!  It makes me want to seek out more changes, to pursue them more purposefully.  It's like for so many years I was just in limbo, waiting for my life to start.  Now I'm living my life and enjoying the process..even the sick days and set-backs. 

Can't wait to see what happens next!



Weigh Day - Minus 40.2 Pounds!

Losing weight is a little like watching your hair grow.

It takes a long time, and you have to go through that Awkward Stage. But every once in a while you have a Good Hair Day.  That's what today feels like!  40.2 Pounds! 

I was thinking about how my eating habits have changed.  It has been a long time since I wanted to eat for emotional reasons.  I no longer stuff myself until I'm sick.  In fact, I'm happy with small amounts of foods.  My tastes are changing.  I really enjoy eating fresh fruits over sweets, and I'm starting to notice how salty most processed foods taste (because I've quit using salt so much.)

This encourages me, because I realize that even though I don't SEE the changes happening from day to day, they are surely happening.  I'm on the right path...just gotta keep on moving those feet!

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Phil 3:12-14 NIV



The Sunny Side of Being Sick

Two weeks. 

At first it was "just a cold".  It was easy to stay on my program because I couldn't taste a thing.  My husband would ask me what I wanted to eat and I would say, "What difference does it make?  Give me something healthy."

Then just when I thought I was getting over it...BAM!!!!  The real thing hit me and I'm on my annual Z-pack of antibiotics. 

The sunny side is...I've been losing weight like crazy!  In fact, I'm at 40 pounds!  Used to be, when this happened, I would use being sick as an excuse to eat a lot of "comfort food."  But this time I've just been counting my points and eating lots of salads and vegetable soups.  And resting. 

While being sick is REALLY boring, it also feels like God patting me on the shoulder and telling me to slow down.  All this sitting around gives a person time to reflect and contemplate life.  Guess I needed a break.  I keep thinking that tomorrow I'm going to feel better.  But in the meantime, I'm staying on program.  It's hard to feel a bit helpless and somewhat vulnerable.  I know, however, that I have a big God to lean on, and He wants me to remember that He's there for me, even in this shadowy valley.

Time for another Poem

See the fun and festive food - Christmas food!
What a world of tasty joy their visages protrude!
How the sugars twinkle, twinkle,
In the party table light!
While the cookies under sprinkles
Bid the tastebuds to slurp-tinkle
With delectable delight;
As we graze, graze, graze,
In a sweet caloric haze,
Wiping fat that dribbles, dribbles
Down our chins with many nibbles
Of the food, food, food, food, food, food, food--
From the feasting and the eating of the food.

See the fun and festive food - Healthy food!
Such delightful presentation cannot be counted rude!
Ah, the fruit, fruit, fruit,
Fresh and juicy in its shell,
Can make the pie's voice mute
And the cookies' horns won't toot,
And also will not make your innards swell,
As we munch, munch, munch
On celery's sweet crunch,
Dipped in fat-free yogurt dressing
Such delights are but a blessing
Of the food, food, food, food, food, food, food--
From the feasting on the yummy healthy food!

(Paid for by a grant from PARTI - People Against Rationalizing Toomuch Ingesting)

Weigh Day - Minus 37.2 pounds!

So, just a one-stick-of-butter loss this week.  But that's good!

I picked this scale picture this week because I'm still weighing the pros and cons of changing to a vegetarian lifestyle.  While I know that eating that way is very healthy, I'm not ready to make a full commitment.  But I have been eating lots more veggies and have even enjoyed a couple of non-meat days.  Today the only "meat" I had was grilled shrimp on my salad at lunch.

I suppose this food would look more appetizing if it wasn't on the same surface where people normally put their feet.

Hugs.

Answering the Common Question

As my journey continues and more people notice that I'm changing, often someone will ask me, "What are you doing to lose weight?"  "It's a two-part program," I tell them with a wink.  "No. 1, I joined Weight Watchers, and No. 2, I'm doing it."  This is a true answer, but it's not a complete answer.  After someone brought up the question again recently, I reflected that where I am today, five months into the process, is not where I began last July.

Back then, I was just desperate to give the weight loss thing One More Try.  I chose Weight Watchers Online because I knew it was a healthy program, I could track it on my iPhone, and I didn't have to go to any stupid meetings.  I started this blog in the hopes of getting some online support and accountability.  I ordered a month's supply of Jenny Craig food because I didn't want to cook and I knew I liked Jenny Craig food.  In other words, I made my own program.  I looked back on all the attempts to lose weight in the past, and chose elements that had worked for me before.  I was determined to make it work in my own way.

It was only through Divine Intervention that I started going to the meetings, and then was pleasantly surprised at what I found...a real support group!  There have been other changes along the way.  I got tired of Jenny Craig food and switched to Lean Cuisine.  I got tired of that and started cooking, but by then I was used to eating smaller portions.  I started exercising, but at my own pace to accomodate my bad knees.  I was learning to trust myself.

You see, in the past when I would go on a diet--any diet--I would try to follow it to the letter from Day One, making all kinds of changes all of the sudden to my lifestyle and my eating style.  And I always ended up resenting "living by someone else's rules".  That's why, this time, I made my own rules...rules I knew I could live with.  I'm sort of morphing into doing WW the way "you're supposed to", but I'm getting there in my own sweet time.

It's fun to give people my Two Part Program answer above, but the real honest-to-goodness answer starts with, "I finally took responsibility for my own self,"  and ends with, "I finally surrendered."  But that's a blog for another day.

Hugs.

Stuck on the Butter

I woke up today still thinking about that stick of butter.  This is forever going to change how I view my incremental weight losses. 

In fact, the scale showed I lost another stick today!

To date, I have shed 149 sticks of butter from my body! And to this, I say...

Woohoo!

Fighting for the next pound

 Sometimes my weight loss seems so slow...maybe .2 pounds, or .4 pounds a week.  I step on the scale and I feel disappointed.  Even a 1.8 pound loss can be a let-down if I was expecting a 2 pound loss. 

Is it just me, or is that a little bit crazy?

To help me appreciate every little bit of weight loss that comes my way, I found these pictures.  Each picture represents something that weighs one pound:  a pound of dice, a pound of simulated fat, a pound of butter (real fat.)  I can see that losing a pound is a bigger deal than I thought!

I just went to the fridge and picked up a stick of butter.  That's a quarter pound of fat.  Even losing that small amount is something wonderful!

So I'm going to try very hard to remember this and the next time the scale shows what may seem to be a too-small number, I'm going to celebrate!  Well, try to celebrate.  Weight loss is hard, it's boring and it takes too long.  But as one of my favorite authors said (Patsy Clairmont), I have just described life.  Here's to LIFE!

Thinkin' about the Future

I've got my annual knock-me-off-my-feet cold, and have been resting the last few days.  Eating has not been a problem because I can't taste a thing!  So I have just been eating when my stomach growls. An interesting experience.

Anyhoo, between naps I've been thinking about the future...specifically, what will my life be like this time next year?  There's no way to know.  None of us is guaranteed a next year or even a tomorrow, but it's fun to think about possible futures anyway. 

It's fun to think about shopping for clothes without having to go to a plus-size store.  It's fun to think about having more energy and feeling more trim.  It's fun to think about jumping on my bike for a ride on our local bike trail with a few of my friends. 

Yes, I'm day-dreaming.  I'm imagining a new future for my life.  Losing this weight isn't only about changing the way I eat.  I have to also change the way I think.  Actually, when I accomplish that, I'll have won the entire battle.

My life is an expression of the things I think about.  That's why I've quit watching horror movies and most of the stuff on TV.  It really helps not to see food commercials!  Controlling my thoughts is not easy, but fortunately, I have help: 

• And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7NIV)

It's comforting to know that God's peace, which I cannot possibly understand, is guarding my heart and mind.  I'm encouraged to know that I don't have to do all this changing all by myself on my own power.  It's exciting to know that as my thoughts are changing, I am changing!

  

Weigh Day - 37 pounds gone!

This is significant.  According to the goal I set originally, I now need to lose exactly 100 pounds.

Of course, I have no idea if that is a reasonable goal.  I have no idea where I'll feel comfortable, weight-wise.  I just know that in approximately four months I have accomplished approximately 25% of my original goal.


Oh, and I lost weight over Thanksgiving!  Woohoo!

Much Ado about Nothing

I enjoyed the day!

It started with a healthy brunch, mid-morning.  My husband invited our friends (who had asked us to join them for Thanksgiving) to come over for one of his famous fritattas.  We ate, we played Wii...a fun time!

Later we went over to their house for the Big Event.  The food was delicious.  I had a reasonable serving of the foods I wanted, and thanks to Jill's advice, left the things I didn't want off my plate.  As I was serving my homemade rolls to everyone, I noticed that at least two people there had less on their plate than I did...and nobody was giving them a hard time.  We ate, we talked, we laughed, and then I had a half of a piece of pumpkin pie.  When we headed home, I even had three points left for the day! 

From this perspective, all the worrying I did before yesterday seems a little silly.  Reminds me of when Jesus said,

• ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; ... ²⁷ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:27a;33-34)

I praise God for His kindness!  He loves us more than we can comprehend! I was so dreading the eating part of yesterday.  I should have remembered another thing Jesus said,

• ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

In His strength, I can do this.  In His strength, I am doing this!

Impending Doom

It occurs to me that I'm not the only one nervous about Thanksgiving tomorrow.

At our WW meeting yesterday, our leader said it was okay to say to yourself, "I'll maintain," or "I'll gain a pound this week."

Maybe I'll get there someday.  But I'm not there now.  I still want to lose!  What I want is to keep eating healthy, stay on plan, and lose this week!  I don't even want tomorrow to be a blip on the radar screen.

Call me crazy.  I'm just not sure that a whole nation PLANNING a whole day (extended to several days because of leftovers) to throw caution to the wind and EAT with abandon...I'm just not sure that's a healthy thing for anybody.  I have spent my life making excuses for reasons to eat.  I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm happy. I'm sad.  It's cold outside.  It's hot outside.  It's my birthday.  It's Christmas.  It's Thanksgiving. It's Tuesday.   I'm alone.  I'm at a party.  I woke up today.  For me, in the past, these have all been valid reasons to eat with abandon.

And to paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How's that been workin' for me?" 

Many of my friends have advised me to just enjoy the day---meaning, eat anything I want.  That thought terrifies me, because eating anything I want is what got me over a hundred pounds overweight!  This is something I KNOW HOW TO DO.  And that's what scares me.  I'm way too good at eating anything I want.  Show me delicious food, and I guarantee I will want to eat it. I have learned that wanting it is not a valid reason for eating it.  But how will I react on National Eat Anything You Want Day, when everyone around me is eating anything they want, and encouraging me to do the same?

What I really want is to lose forever the desire to eat with abandon.  I want to look at foods that are not good for me and have my first reaction be, "Why on earth would I put THAT into my body?"  I want to be able to join friends and family around a festive table and be more focused on the fellowship than the food.  I want to be victorious tomorrow in enjoying the day without overeating so I won't spend weeks dreading the next Food Fest Event in my life.  I want to be in control of what I eat.  I want to be freed from food controlling me.

I want to turn Impending Doom into Impending Opportunity for a New Life.

I want tomorrow to be over.




  

Today is the Day

It came up in conversation yesterday...the whole "Diets start on Monday" thing.

That goes right along with "I blew it already today, so I think I'll keep eating like crazy the rest of the day."

...and "Well, I've blown this week, so I'll just keep eating like crazy until..."

Oh, I know it well.  I used it.  I said it.  For me the "until" was until I was 56 years old.

Having it come up again yesterday reminded me, I don't think like that any more.  I don't even think in terms of "What am I going to do today?"  It's more like, "What am I going to do in the next five minutes?"  It's never too early to get back on track.  This has been a foundational change of mind-set.  I used to crave to get in all the food I could before starting a diet, and if you extend the start for several decades that adds up to a lot of food!  Now I crave to stay on my plan.  I just have to do it for the next five minutes...continuously.  If I mess up in those minutes, I can get back on track in the next five.  It's not about tomorrow, or Monday, or the day after Thanksgiving, or January 1st.  It's about this moment.  What am I going to choose to do NEXT?

Since my stomach is growling, eating breakfast makes sense.  I think today I'll have a pancake with strawberries, a scrambled egg and maybe a piece of bacon.  It's all part of the plan!

Hugs.



Weigh Day - 34.6 pounds

Okay, not a big loss this week, but I thought I would post a picture from last December compared to today.  Look - I've even lost weight in my hair!

I'm a bit frustrated with the scale.  Each week I seem to hover around the same pound or two all week, and then it goes down a little and hovers at a little bit lower weight.  I'm not exactly discouraged, because I know there's a lot going on besides what shows on the scale, but the scale is...well, the measurement I'm most interested in at this present moment in history.

Be that as it may, I'm encouraged to see the difference in my face between last year and this year.  I've also gotten rid of a lot of my winter sweaters because they are just too baggy!  It's all good. 

Now on to Thanksgiving week.  I am thankful for progress!

Hugs.

Reflecting on God's Blessings

First of all, I need to tell you that my sister painted this.  Isn't it beautiful?

As we approach Thanksgiving, my attention turns to the blessings in my life.  Mary is one of my blessings.  She's a great support to me, always encouraging me, always ready to listen when I need to talk to someone.  It is wonderful to have a loving sister!

I used to walk around feeling, literally, like a Big Fat Victim.  I had experienced so much pain in my life and to deal with it I turned to food.  Overeating didn't really make me feel better...it made me feel nothing.  And feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain.  Then I resented the fact that my difficulty was so VISIBLE to the world.  Other people have problems, I thought, but you don't necessarily see them so it doesn't come up in conversation.  For me, it was like (and I guess it still is) my weight was always Topic No. One.  I hated that.  So I just stacked up that resentment on top of all the stored up pain and ate a pizza or something to distract myself from it all.  If I tried to diet, I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want to talk about it.  Then as soon as someone would notice I had lost weight, I'd get mad all over again and quit dieting.

Doesn't make any sense, does it?  My "poor me" attitude gave me all kinds of excuses for bad behavior, toward myself and toward others.  So what is different now?  Why am I online telling the world all about my weight and making it Topic No. One? 

The only answer I can come up with is that I gave up.  I surrendered.  I gave up being mad at the world for what happened to me in the past.  I gave up trying to pretend that I wasn't so overweight and in need of a change.  I gave up turning to food for emotional reasons.  I gave up the idea that I deserved some kind of "pass" on taking care of myself because I had been through or was going through some hard times.  I gave up being mad at the world for judging me by my appearance.

And when I let go of all that...AS I am letting go of all that...God has come into my life in a very real way.  As I stop looking inward, I am able to see around me, and I see that I am not the only person in the world who has ever suffered.  I no longer feel like a victim.  I'm just a normal person trying to deal with life just like everybody else.  With God's help, I'm learning to let go of my pain, my resentment, my dependence on hurting myself with eating.  With His help, and with yours, I'm learning to eat in a way that will nourish the body he has given me.

It isn't easy.  There are days that the only thing I accomplish is that I stay on my program, and that takes all my energy and effort.  It's slow.  Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still, weight-loss-wise.  Sometimes I still want to eat a pizza.  I get frustrated, hungry, and tired.  But I don't get mad about it any more. 

It doesn't sound like I'm talking about blessings, but I am.  Letting go, giving up, surrending...is a blessing!  Being able to see someone else's pain instead of just my own...is a blessing!  Eating for health instead of hurt...is a blessing!  Having a God who I can turn to when I'm bored, frustrated, or want to eat a pizza...is a blessing!  So even though I'm still nervous about the impending Turkey Pig-Out Day, I will welcome it with a full heart and deep gratitude for all the blessings God has given me.  This time is different.  This time I am different! 

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

A Day of Rest

I'm tired today.

It's been a fantastic week!  I've gotten a lot done at home, went to the gym twice, did a yoga video at home, and stayed on my food plan.  (Not Vegan yet!) But today, I'm just tired.

Even God rested.  Rest is good (she said as her eyes began to close.)  I must need it.  Maybe it was the hour at the gym yesterday.  Afterwards I was TURBO charged!  Felt great!  But today not so much.

So no great truths are emerging today.  No profound realizations.  No light bulbs.  Except, maybe, for the one I'm about to turn off. 

Here's to sweet dreams (and cute fat cat pictures.)

Exercising My Will to Succeed

I actually went to the gym.  Twelve and a half minutes on the eliptical, six minutes on the bike, and a round of various circuit machines.  It wasn't much, but it was forty minutes of something.

Seven months ago I went to the gym and I couldn't do any of those things.  With torn meniscus in both my knees, every machine I tried hurt.  The doc said I wasn't a good candidate for surgery because..oh joy..I also have arthritis in my knees.  So physical therapy and exercise was my only avenue to recovery.  The physical therapist told me to ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes a day, so I went to the gym.  Couldn't do it.  With every pedal stroke it felt like someone was sticking needles into my knees.

I suppose I could have pushed through the pain and Done It Anyway.  But I have learned that while people give advice - even expert advice at times - with the best of intentions, they are not always correct.  This is my body.  I know what I can and can't do, and I have to take responsibility for my own recovery.  So I spent the summer walking in the pool, strengthening the muscles around my knees in a wet, sun-tanning sort of way.  The result is now I can graduate to the bike and further strengthen and tone my messed up knees. 

Many of my friends have been giving me advice about eating on Thanksgiving Day, too.  They all mean well.  I've heard everything from "Enjoy the day!" (i.e., EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT) to "Bring your own food!" (i.e., don't take any chances.)  I'd like to say I know what I can and can't do when it comes to Turkey Day, but I just don't know how I will react to All That Food layed out in front of me.  What I do know is that I have to take responsibility for what I eat that day and every day.  I have to take responsibility for my own recovery, and not let myself be pressured into eating for the sake of pleasing anyone but myself.

And if I please myself a little too much...there's always the gym!

Hugs.

The Traveling Tracker

Went to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday.  I haven't said it in a while, but I love my meetings!  Our group is fun and friendly and a little goofy...a perfect support group for me. I like these people, and I want them to like me.

In WW, a big part of the program is writing down what you eat and how much you exercise.  It's all about accountability.  Not everyone does it, even though it really helps in being successful on the program.  So our leader started passing around the "Traveling Tracker."  A member takes the book home for a week and brings it back to report on how they did with it.  Most people say that knowing someone was going to be able to read every morsel they put into their mouths made them more diligent about sticking to the program.

When it came time to pass the Tracker along to the next volunteer, I took it.  I figured, why not amp up my accountability?  I already keep track of my food online, so it's not like it's something new. As I started scribbling in my carrots and apples and pita and hummus, I was very aware that anyone in my group would have the ability to see everything I was writing down.  I realized that I really wanted to Do It Right this week.

Then--another realization.  There already is One who sees everything I eat, everything I do, and knows everything I am even thinking about.  If I'm so motivated to Do It Right because my WW friends will know what I'm doing, how much more should I be motivated to live my life in a way that will please God?  He's been with me all these years, watching my many failures, heartbreaks, and occasional triumphs.  He's loved me through all the ups and downs.  If I really want to be held accountable (and I will!) I should be thinking about the One who's opinion is the only one that matters.  My desire should be to please Him...with what I do, what I think about, and even what I am eating today.

Hugs.

Vegan?!?!?!?!!!!

So how can you tell if God is trying to tell you something?

For me, it's kinda like looking at this picture.  You think you know what you're looking at, but you're not quite sure.  Just when you think you're focused, it starts moving on you.

The point is, over the past year or so, I keep finding myself drawn to books and documentaries that turn out to be advocating a Vegan lifestyle.  What they all have in common is a very convincing argument that the Standard American Diet (SAD) is killing us, and that by switching to eating yummy fruits and vegetables you can not only lose weight, but enjoy longer life and robust health!  That's a pretty compelling promise.

I know a handful of vegetarians and one vegan.  They are all thin.  They all appear to be healthy.  Some of them go to my church and they even seem to be able to negotiate a pot luck without too much trouble.  They are not wierdos.  Just normal people who happen to vegetables and fruits to survive.  No Big Deal.

But me?

It just keeps coming up!  I feel like God is saying, "Hey-ho!  Anybody in there?  Are you paying attention?  This is the food I designed for you!  Give it a try!" 

Sigh.  I suppose I could eat a few of His foods today.  I doubt that my head will fall off.  Now, my butt...that would okay.

Weigh Day - 34.2 pounds gone!

Okay, I haven't really had it with dieting.

But I did lose two pounds last week, after all the ups and downs!

There's this dress that I'm trying to fit into.  When I bought it, it was WAY too small.  Now it ALMOST fits.  I'm enjoying (on alternate Tuesdays) feeling smaller.  But most of the time, I'm just plodding along, taking one day at a time and trying to stay focused.

I can honestly say that I Do Not Want to go back to eating and living the way I used to.  However...sometimes the old lifestyle beckons.  It's a fading, distant voice, but it's still hanging around. I  guess this is to be expected.  You don't change 30 or 40 years of eating habits overnight, or even in a few months.

If I happen to get bored, I start thinking about eating.  Like, you know, it's something to do.  So if I find myself standing in front of an open fridge or pantry and my eyes are kinda glazed over, I know I need to get busy doing something productive. 

I calculated that if I continue to lose at the rate I've been losing (about a pound and half a week), I will reach my goal by my birthday in March of 2013!  That seems like a long time away.  But, since I'm going for a lifestyle change and not just dieting, who cares?  The plan is to keep doing what I'm doing from NOW ON.  And anyway, maybe I'll be happy at a higher weight than my current goal.  How would I know?  I haven't been anywhere close to a healthy weight for over 26 years. 

Forgive me for rambling.  I'm so grateful to not be going through this alone.  I'm so grateful to have my friends cheering me along.  I'm so grateful to know that the Lord is watching over me and guiding me.  This is not an easy road.  Fortunately, EASY is not what I'm going for.  EASY isn't the goal, or even the promise.  I'm pretty sure the promise is, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NKJ)

Peace be with you, my friends.

Long Time, No Post

Okay, it's only been three days.

It's been three days of weight down, weight up, weight staying the same.  Up.  (Only a pound, but UP.)

So here's where I start talking to myself.  Life isn't a straight line.  There are ups and downs.  But sometimes the ups make me feel down.  Guess I'm feeling upside down.

And I guess this, too, is normal. 

So stay tuned.  Happier news ahead!  For now, I'm happy to still be hanging onto the wire.



Weigh Day - 32.2 pounds!

Well, I must be doing SOMETHING right!

I checked my measurements yesterday and I've lost EIGHT inches off my hips (good grief!) and three inches off my waist.  I wore a shirt to church today that I bought some time ago but it was too small.  Fit just fine today!  And a lot of people are starting to tell me they can see the changes.  Funny..,it used to bother me when people noticed I was losing weight.  But now I just say, "Thanks, I'm on Weight Watchers," and then move on with the converstaion.

One small problem...I noticed that I didn't log ANY activity points last week.  The change in the weather has kind of discombobulated me.  Guess it's just a transition thing.

I need to be more like my cat, Dusty.  Right now he's sliding all over the tile floor chasing around his favorite toy:  a twisty tie.  I need to remember that exercise doesn't have to be fancy, or complicated, or expensive...just FUN!  Maybe it's time to get a hula-hoop.

I'm grateful that God's mercies are new each morning.  No matter what kind of day I have, tomorrow is a fresh start.  Come to think of it, every moment of every day is a fresh start...an opportunity for a "do-over."  God has blessed me in so many ways, and I know He is right there beside me as I continue on this journey to better health.  I pray that every step I take will honor Him.

Hugs.  :-)

Cooking Struggles

I didn't expect this.

Up until just a couple of weeks ago, I've been getting by on Lean Cuisine and carefully eating out, with very little cooking at home.

But I know I have to start cooking!  For one thing, I'm getting tired of the frozen meals.  And eating out is expensive. 

So I made a menu.  I went to the store and bought what I needed.  And I've been cooking suppers more than not.  But the problem I'm experiencing is that it is more difficult to exercise portion control when I'm eating my own delicious home-cooked meals.  My weight is kinda plateauing out too, which I'm sure is an indication that I'm eating too much.

At least the meals I'm cooking are healthy.  But I'm just finding it harder to control the urge to go back for seconds.  Who knew I was such a good cook?  At the same time, it's gotten too cold to get in the pool and get my pool-walking in, so I'm also not exercising like I was.  Sounds like I need a new strategy for the winter.

Hopefully, these struggles will pass.  And hopefully, I'll get a handle on it before Thanksgiving!  Man, this living healthy stuff is tuff.  But worth it.  Right?  Just nod your head.  I need the affirmation!



TV

Is watching tv part of a healthy lifestyle?

It doesn't seem to matter how many channels they give us...there's still nothing worth watching on tv.

I've gone through stages:  watching reruns, game shows, movies, dvds, reality shows, anything on HGTV, and my current craze, Netflix.  But last night I watched part of a Fox sitcom because a friend asked me to catch the show.  Maybe I'm getting old, or maybe the show was just really that bad, but I'm seriously considering turning in my cable box.

The show on Fox last night was, quite simply, disgusting.  Surely there are better things I can do with my time. Like read a book.  Take a walk.  Clean out a closet.  Change the kitty litter.  

I don't have any profound thoughts on this subject. Just raising the question. Why do we watch it?  Why do we numb ourselves in front of the box?  Why do we feel closer to some tv characters than we do to our own friends? 

I think I'm ready to go outside now and watch what's happening out there.

Ugh

I know this is normal.

There are just days when I wake up in the morning and I wish it was Over.  I wish I didn't have to Do This Again Today.

The alternative isn't very attractive either:  ReBlobify myself.  Medicate myself with junky food that isn't good for me.  Become one with the recliner and watch reruns on tv all day.

So, I suppose Do This Again Today doesn't sound so bad after all.  Please know that I know I have made a lot of progress toward my goal.  Thirty-one pounds is quite an accomplishment!  But I still have over one hundred pounds to go.  Which means, by definition, I'm still a blob.  And some days that's how I feel.  Like today.

I predict that even when I reach my weight loss goal, there will be days when I feel like this.  I'll wake up and think, "I don't want to eat right today.  I don't want to exercise.  I feel fat!"  And, again, with God's help, I'll make the choice to eat right and exercise anyway.  I will keep my eyes on the prize, which isn't, by the way, being thin and fit.  No, the prize is living in obedience to the Lord God Almighty.  The prize is trusting in Him.  The prize is feeling His pleasure when I choose to follow Him instead of my own blob-ish inclinations.  This is what will get me through days like this!

WEIGH DAY - 31 total pounds gone!

Now, I don't know this particular cat personally.  But judging by my own cats and how much they weigh, I'm guessing this one weighs in at about 31 pounds.  Wouldn't you agree?  Glad I'm not carring THAT around any more.

The Big News today is that I made a menu and went to the grocery store.  I have a very optimistic goal of cooking dinner every night this week. Tomorrow morning my new neighbor is coming over to walk with me (brilliantly asked her to come to my house so I would have to get up and be ready for her.)  We are officially on the road to getting rid of the next 30 pounds.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Festivating

It's the morning after.

We had ten wonderful people over for dinner last night.  Pita chips, hummus, veggies for appetizers; grilled salmon, chicken ka-bobs, salad and vegetable rice pilaf for dinner; an amazing raspberry trifle for dessert.  Oh.  And wine.

The food was mostly healthy, and there was lots of it!  We laughed.  We ate.  We festivated!  I thought about my weekly points, and how in the past when I've indulged in actually using them, my weight has gone up a pound or two the next day.  It usually takes two or three days to recover.

And that's exactly what happened!  Up a pound and half this morning.  But instead of being DEVESTATED, as I have been in the past, I saw the scale and thought to myself, "Well, I expected that!"

Not that it's OKAY, but I'm starting to understand that it's NORMAL.  This is life.  We are to live it.  Festivating is allowed.  We are just not supposed to FESTIVATE every day!  And a little up and down is to be expected.  It doesn't mean that I'm a failure at dieting.  Actually, what I think this means is that I am a success at learning my new lifestyle. 

My sister just spent a few days with several fit and healthy people, and she said they all festivated like crazy the whole time they were together.  But when it was time to go home, they all went right back to eating very healthy.   So I festivated last night, and today I'm back to the straight and narrow. 

It's even Biblical, as we can see in this well known passage from Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

A time to deprivate, and a time to festivate!

I Don't Deserve This...

When I started this blog, I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't really expect anybody to read it. 

But there you are, reading it!  Every time one of you posts a comment I am humbled and amazed.  I am humbled and amazed when one of you sees me and says, "I've been following your blog."  Even if you don't let me know that you're out there reading, I am humbled and amazed that you are!

I want you to know it makes a difference.  Every day, when I wake up and start making decisions about what I'm going to do and think about and eat, I'm also thinking about all of you.  Your presence gives me strength, especially in those difficult moments when I might be facing, oh, a basket hot cheddar cheese biscuits at Red Lobster.  I think about you, and it's easier to push the biscuits away.  I feel your support and your encouragement all day long.

This is a new experience for me.  I've felt so alone for so long, and I've never expected anyone to care enough about my little problems to walk along with me like this.  And yet, the Bible teaches us that we are to share one another's burdens.  It makes total sense that we can't expect any help if we don't let anyone know we need help.  I shared my burden with you, and you are supporting me...thank you!  But more than that, it occurs to me that what you are doing is modeling God's love and grace.  You are living examples of the way God loves us all...we don't deserve it but He's right there anyway.  This has to be part of His Grand Plan, that we show the world who He is by how we care for each other.

Thank you for caring for me.  

Who'd've Thunk?

I'm starting to get used to smaller portions!

Okay, maybe not THIS small, but smaller than I used to eat.  I realized this evening that it has been a long time since I have felt panicky about food or about what I was going to eat.  I'm comfortable with eating reasonable portions and am realizing that flexibility can be a good thing. 

I can't believe it, but I am actually ENJOYING being on this diet!  I am actually LEARNING how to deal with eating!  I am actually CHANGING the way I eat and the way I think about food!

This is a HUGE deal.  HUGE.  Did I say HUGE?  I meant, GI-NORMOUS!  Either there's hope for the future or I'm about to fall into the feeding trough big-time.  I'm pulling for hope.  Did I say hope?  I meant, HOPE!



Read My Lips

It's one of my hardest things, saying no.  I hate to disappoint people.  I want them to like me.  As a result many times, I say, "Yes," when I really want to say, "No."

I'm getting better about saying no to foods I don't want to eat, but it's even harder to say no to things I don't want to do.  I think in the past, one of the reasons I ate was because it was the one thing only I controlled.  And it was like, if I couldn't DO what I wanted to do, I could at least EAT what I wanted to eat.

I still struggle with doing what I want to do, and with saying no to the things I don't want to do.  But I realize that I need to learn to say no, gracefully and with conviction.  I need to risk disappointing people, or not being liked, so I can be at peace with myself.

Of course, there are times when it's appropriate to do things we don't want to do,  Come to think of it, my goal should not be to do only the things that please myself, but to do the things that please God.  The trick is knowing what those things are!  I'm pretty sure, however, that God doesn't want me to just say YES to every request everyone makes of me. 

Sigh.  Nobody said this was going to be easy.