Monday, October 29, 2012

Who am I?

My body is changing.

I'm only halfway to my goal, but I look different than I did before.  After spending most of my adult life being very obese, it's a bit of challenge to see myself as this smaller, "merely" overweight person.  It takes some getting used to.

While I have been frustrated with my stalled weight loss, I'm also glad that I've had some time to get used to this new, smaller person I see in the mirror.  It's the strangest thing...not being comfortable in your own skin.  It's especially strange because, of course, getting smaller is the goal.  But getting smaller is freaking me out a little.

For most of my adult life, I have taken up a certain amount of space in the world.  That space has diminished.  I have gotten smaller.  Oddly enough, being smaller (for a woman) brings more power.  It's almost like the bigger you are, the more invisible you are, and the smaller you are, the more presence you have.  For me, I think being extremely large was my way of blending into the woodwork.  Becoming smaller, I feel

It all just makes me realize that who I am...what size I not just a function of what I eat and how much I exercise, but it also depends on what and how I think.  I believe this aspect of weight loss is why 95% of the people who lose weight end up gaining it all back.  They change the outside but they don't change their minds about who they are, fundamentally. 

For me, making that fundamental change is my real goal.  I want eating right to be just the way I eat.  I want exercise to be something I look forward to.  My body is changing, but I want to change my mind too.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Feeling Better....

Well, I think the crisis has passed.

This is due in large part to my wonderful friends who support me and reassure me during my moments of doubt...thanks!  I'm SO grateful that I'm not in this struggle alone!  Your comments on this here blog mean more to me than I can say.  And my Tuesday morning Weight Watcher's meeting is one of the most important appointments of the week.  It always helps to go.  I hope I never quit going.

Come to think of it, I have been told in no uncertain terms that I will never be allowed to quit, because my WW friends will gang up on me and MAKE me keep going!  Now, that's support!

This morning I heard a song with interesting lyrics.  They went something like, "Everybody is miserable, and that's beautiful.  Everybody is going to die unfulfilled and alone, and that's beautiful."  I think the song was, sort of, a joke.  But it's true.  We are all struggling.  It's the nature of life on this earth.  It's even in the Bible:  "In this world you will have tribulation."  Actually, here is the whole verse (John 16:33) "These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace.  In the world you have tribuation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

'Nuff said.


Monday, October 22, 2012


I don't know if I can do this any more!

We're coming into the biggest eating season of the year, and I am already floundering.  My weight is up, then down, then up again.  I'm eating right and keeping track of my points.  Because of the gallbladder thing I haven't been able to exercise for the past month, and it shows! 

This time last year, I was determined.  Steely.  Uncompromising!  Getting through the holidays was tough, but I did it, and lost seven pounds to boot.  But now...I don't know if I can make it.  I feel like I'm starting out in a much weaker position.  My weight loss has not only slowed down, it has come to a grinding halt.  In fact, the last several days, it has been going up!  I don't know what I am doing wrong, or if my body is just rebelling and saying it's done.

I'm scared.  In previous weight-loss attempts, I've gotten to points like this.  I typically "pretended" for a few weeks that I was still making progress, and then would realize that I wasn't...and quit trying.  When I look back at my weight loss chart that is what I see...that I have basically made zero progress since the end of July.  That's three whole months!  Have I been pretending? 

I wish I could skip the holidays this year.  I wish every social occasion didn't revolve around food.  I wish food that is bad for you didn't taste so good.  I wish I wasn't overweight in the first place.  I wish being slim wasn't so darned important in our society.  I wish I could exercise!  I wish I didn't feel so ugly and unacceptable.  I wish I could really change.

Sorry to be so down, but this is where I am today.

I could use a hug.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Falling in Love with Food

Something is happening.

Today I had the strangest thought.  Since I have to eat three times a day every day for the rest of my life (more or less), why not make the best of it?

Why not make preparing all those meals a "How healthy can I make this?" game?  Why not put time and effort into making the most out of the food available to me?

To most of you, this may seem rather obvious.  You may be thinking, "Isn't that what she's been doing all along?"  Not really.  I've gone from eating only frozen, pre-prepared diet meals and eating out to dappling in cooking my own meals to...this.  This idea.  This crazy, life-changing possibility of a new way of looking at food.

It occured to me that I spend a lot of time on other things:  learning to speak Spanish (un pocito), shopping, quilting, reading, and let's face it -- watching tv -- but I haven't spent that much time or attention in my life on learning how to do what might be one of the most important things I can learn to do for my physical well!  I have only wanted to eat when I get hungry, and a lot of times I just want food to magically appear in front of me, like it did when I was a kid and my mom was the one doing the cooking.

Hmmmm.  This does seem rather obvious.  Yet, for me, it's somehow new.  I can only hope that beginning to think this way is part of my overall healing of whatever came before in my life that caused me to get out of balance in the first place. 

Turkey burgers, spinach salad, and baked sweet potato fries for dinner!


Thursday, October 18, 2012

The View from the Top

Here's a statement I thought I would never make:  I miss being able to exercise!

One of the hardest parts of getting through my recovery has been not being able to move around without feeling totally exhausted after about five minutes.

I'm not a die-hard exercise person.  I enjoy an occasional stroll, or my walks in the pool, but I don't hit the gym or train for marathons or anything like that.  However, I am realizing that losing weight had put a spring in my step and and enjoyment in moving around that I had not experienced for most of my overweight, adult life.  Now that the spring is temporarily gone, I'm missing it!

This is a good thing to know. There's much more at stake here than fitting into a smaller size.  I don't want to be old and unable to do things like get myself up out of bed or even up out of a chair because I am so unfit and heavy.  Losing weight, learning to eat in a healthy way, and incorporating exercise into my life are all hard things to do, but SO WORTH IT!!!!  I want to experience that view from the top!  I want to be able to climb that hill!

I need to remember that the choice is mine.  I can choose to stay on my plan, write down what I eat, and make healthy choices.  I can remember that sometimes all I'm going to be able to see is the next step, not the fabulous view.  But each step takes me closer to the life I long to live, where I can bounce down the street in time with the sunshine.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Back, by popular demand!

It has been pointed out to me by friends that my blog has been unusually quiet!

Last week was a tough one for me.  My recovery has being progressing more slowly than I would like, and I admit that I have been... well... feeling lonely and depressed!

When I was explaining to Vicki at Weight Watchers this morning that my depressed mood was why I hadn't blogged anything, she asked me why I hadn't called somebody from our group.

This is a Very Good Question.  Why didn't I?  When I get into those funky "I am all alone in the world" moods, calling someone is the last thing on my mind.  I guess I would rather sit around and mope than do something about it.

I'm glad Vicki reminded me that I have many friends who care about me, friends who are there for me. I especially love that my friends totally understand how hard it is to change your whole life, because they are doing it too.  I guess I forgot, for a while, that this journey is not a solitary one, but one that I am on with lots of other people who are struggling with the same things that nag at me.

So here is a shout out to all my friends out there who are on the journey with me.  Please forgive me for trying to struggle through a difficult week without asking for your support!  You are a blessing to me, and together we are going to make it!


Monday, October 8, 2012


Today is a banner day! 

I finally reached a goal I had set for myself before we went on our Texas vacation this summer.  The objective was to lose three pounds while I was gone.  Let's see...that was July 21st.

And now, on October 8th, I'm there!  Three pounds in two and a half months.  I'm not going to win any speed records here.

Lucky for me, speed isn't the goal.  Healthy living is the goal, with the blessed side effect of losing weight as my body normalizes and reflects my new lifestyle.   I am now 59 pounds away from the upper limit that Weight Watchers sets for my healthy weight range.  Personally, I'd like to lose a few more than that, say, 65 more.  Which means I'm half way there!

The other good news is that I woke up feeling good today...finally.  So my biggest challenge for the day will be to keep resting and not overdo it.  Patience.  Perseverance.  Peace.


Thursday, October 4, 2012


People told me the type of surgery I had was a piece of cake.

I guess that's because instead of doing a big slice across the abdomen, they do four small holes.  Pretty amazing, really, what they can do with four small holes, a camera and I guess some very tiny surgical tools.

But I'm here to tell you that it still hurts.  There are going to be scars.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated today because I am not bouncing back the way I had hoped.  Every little thing seems to tire me out.  Then my side aches.  So I sit.  Concentrate on resting.  On healing, so I can get back to swimming and walking and shopping and cooking healthy meals.  I really want to wake up tomorrow and feel normal.

Then I realize, it's kind of like the weight loss.  I still have in me the old dream of "when I wake up tomorrow I want to be thin."  But this waiting period reminds me that healing of wounds takes time.  My body can't change overnight, as much as I wish it could.  But when it comes to the weight loss, it's not so much my body that needs to heal as it is my spirit.

The healing process can, frankly, be inconvenient.  But there is no speeding it up.  These things possess their own time tables.  So, as I sit and rest and await my physical healing, I also will try to understand that my spirit needs time to sit and rest too.  I need to understand that there will be scars that may always inhibit my ability to stay on top of my goal and living a healthy lifestyle.  I need to remember that although I feel down today, tomorrow can and probably will seem brighter.


Monday, October 1, 2012


I crossed my legs yesterday.

This may not sound like such a big deal, but it is.  I haven't been able to cross my legs for years.  I did it without thinking...just crossed them!  It was comfortable.

All those years I couldn't cross my legs because my legs were just too big to cross.  There was too much fat in the way.

It made me think about other stuff that gets in the way of being who God means me to be.  Like when I insist on people doing things MY WAY.  Or my tendency to procrastinate.  And then there's how much I am able to enjoy grumbling about something.

This little taste of freedom in being able to cross my legs makes me wonder...what else have I been missing out on?   It's a big question, one which I don't expect to answer quickly.  But I want to open my eyes and start being aware of those self-imposed encumbrances in my life that are keeping me from being the person I am supposed to be.  I guess I want to exercise my character and get rid of the "fat" that represents my unwillingness to change.

Just thinking about this makes me want to take a nap!  At least I don't want to eat a donut.  That's a positive start.