Thursday, September 29, 2011
I was driving back home this afternoon from our property that we are getting ready to rent out, and I could barely keep my eyes open! This is not good. This is dangerous. I think I may have finally hit my physical and emotional limit.
The major clue I had to that effect was that when I got into the car to come home, I had an overwhelming desire to EAT SOMETHING FATTENING! This is always a danger sign. If I'm trying to cope with the things happening in my life with food, I'm doing something wrong. So, the question is, what am I doing wrong? And, where are the little powdered sugar donuts?
Okay, I didn't eat inappropriately. I did get a sugar free lemonade at Chick-Fil-A along with a 5-point ice cream cone there. A little treat within my daily points budget. Plenty of points left to use for dinner tonight. But right now, points are not the point. I really need to focus on my life and try to make sense of what's going on.
In the past I would have just eaten a couple of pizzas and quit worrying about it. But since I'm not using food to numb myself any more I have to actually face the issue. But I don't know what the issue is.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I could beat myself up for doing that instead of cleaning the house or paying the bills, but...Naaaah. That stuff'll all be there tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I've been working very hard getting a property ready to rent out. Painting. Cleaning. Packing. Moving. Squatting. Climbing. Sweeping. Pruning. Rinsing. Caulking. Hiring. Waiting. Hurting. Soaking. Sleeping. Sighing.
I keep telling myself this will be over soon! But there are times I don't think it will ever be over. The progress is too slow. The work is too hard. It's too much for me! And then I realize that losing weight is very similar to this project I've been working on. It requires consistent effort. Sometimes I really struggle with being hungry or wiped out from exercise. Occasionally I see glimpses of progress, but it all seems to go too slow and I can't see the end.
And yet, I know the property project will get, if not finished, at least to a point where we can put it up for rent. In a way, it will never be finished, because that's life. Just keep on doin' what you need to do. That's my life in eating now too...just keep on doing what I need to do. Even when I reach my goal weight, I won't be finished taking care of myself. I might get tired along the way and I guess that's okay. I just hope my butt will take up a little less room when I collapse on the occasional rock.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I went to a party and I wantcha to know,
I didn't pig out and my plate did not o'er flow.
I had myself some goodies and I had myself some fun,
It wernt about the food, but being with everyone.
It was a time to celebrate,
I had a good time,
It was a time to celebrate,
I had myself some wine.
The party wasn't far, just a half-mile away,
We decided to walk 'cause it was such a pretty day.
It was a time to celebrate,
to talk and to laugh,
I had myself a cookie,
But I ate only half.
I counted up the points for the mac and the cheese,
I wrote 'em in my book, and said "Thank you" and "Please."
It was a time to celebrate,
There with my friends.
Now the party is over
And this is the end.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Another week, another loss! Since I have started exercising more, and using my extra points less, that's been the norm. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I've lost these particular pounds and found them again a couple of times in the past several years. This time really does feel different. This time I really believe I'm going to keep going to my goal! This time I'm not doing it alone, but with lots of help. Thanks for being there. :-)
Friday, September 23, 2011
To be totally frank, I have no particular reason to be joyful today. I still have the same long to-do list hanging over me, waiting to be done. My house is a chaotic disaster zone as I turn my attentions to other matters that seem more pressing at the moment. And I wonder if I'll ever get past those pressing matters and back to a more normal existence.
Still . . .
This is the day that the Lord has made! Every day is a gift from Him. I can mope, or I can be grateful. I can focus on the unending list and feel the weight of its demands, or I can focus on my Lord and Savior and feel the warmth of His love for me.
Today, I choose to REJOICE!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
We're talking juicy hamburgers, greasy french fries, mashed potatoes with lots of cream gravy, macaroni and cheese, donuts, hot bread with lots of butter.....etc. ad nauseum.
Here's how it would go: (1) feel anxious (2) eat mass quantities of junk food (3) forget about what made me feel anxious (4) instead feel bad about eating too much.
I don't do this any more, but the anxious feelings still come and go, still make me think about wanting to eat. Today I dealt with my anxious feelings by eating, but just a little bit at a time. A container of yogurt here. A banana there. A few baby carrots in the other place. Oh, and drinking lots of water. They say it makes you feel full...really? It doesn't really comfort me the way those fattening foods used to.
I survived to the end of the day without any regrets about my food choices. I know that if I had "gone wild" and eaten off my plan, it would not have made me feel better. In fact, I would feel worse. So, I'm still feeling anxious, but not about over eating. I know this is a victory. I just don't really feel victorious. But something tells me that learning to live with my uncomfortable feelings instead of trying to eat them away is a good thing.
This must be what everybody means when they say, "Take it one day at a time." I made it through today. WooHoo!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Looking in a mirror is usually an unhappy experience for me, but I have to admit they do give reflections that I need to see. We bought a house that came with a lot of full-lenth mirrors, and I believe seeing myself was the beginning of my desire to lose weight. It's so easy to "forget" about any problem if you just choose not to look at it. But it's harder to avoid reality when it is staring you in the face every time you turn the corner.
Which makes me wonder, what else am I avoiding about myself that could use some improvement? I've heard it said that God's law is a mirror, and that it shows us our sin and our need for a Savior. The first step to making any change in your life is to admit that you need to change...that you have a problem! I would like to become friends with the mirror some day, because what I see reflected is a trimmer, healthier me. And I would like to become friends with God's mirror too, reflecting the love of Jesus out to everyone I meet.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
But this, too, is a lesson I have to learn. Life is dynamic. And I'm not perfect. I know--intellectually--that perfection is not the goal. The goal is to do it right more than I do it wrong. To get up more times than I fall down. To recognize that I'm human and be willing start fresh each morning.
What I KNOW and what I FEEL, however, are two different things! What I feel is - I BLEW IT! I GAVE INTO TEMPTATION! I FAILED! In the past these feelings would have thrown me back into a lifestyle of eating without any boundaries, because obviously boundaries don't work for me since I crossed one I had given myself. And I was at my own house, for Pete's sake! I had control of my own environment! And I still chose to consume more than I knew I should.
I need to redefine something here. I need to recognize that life isn't black and white--ALL OR NOTHING. I need to be okay with doing well with my lifestyle change MOST of the time. And I need to be able to forgive myself for little slips and be willing to start fresh each and every morning. That's certainly more productive than saying to myself, "Well, I obviously can't stick to this so why even try?"
You know, my title for this post is all wrong. There is One who is Perfect. One who loves me with His Perfect Love. He forgives me when I mess up, and if it is perfection to forgive, then forgiving myself seems like a move in the right direction. To not forgive myself would be like saying He is wrong...and since He is perfect that just doesn't make any sense.
His mercies are new each morning, and this is the morning, my friends.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
But, instead, I drive through someplace and get the grilled chicken on whole wheat with no fries. I look up the points in my handy point-looker-upper, and record them in my handy record-your-points-here place.
I try not to think about things like: I should be more organized. I should pack a lunch. I should never have gained this weight in the first place.
There are a lot of things I could do better. But sometimes all I can do is keep track of those points, and stay within my allowance. And doing that feels good. It's a small victory. One more day under my ever-loosening belt. And all that running from this thing to the next? I count that in my activity points. One day at a time. One point at a time. One victory at a time.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's so easy to get bogged down in negativity, to look for what is going wrong instead of what is going right, to find fault with people, or plans...or even the weather. And considering the fact that I tend to want to eat when I'm upset, what I think about is very important!
So for today, "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philipians 4:8 NIV)
I'll start by thinking about you, my friends and family, who are walking with me through this experience. :-)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Yes, I wish I was losing 2 pounds a week, but I'm happy for any downward trend that comes my way! Yesterday was another hungry day, but I managed to stay within normally accepted parameters. This week I'm trying to add more exercise to my routine by getting up earlier and going for a walk every morning. I keep reminding myself what I'm working on here is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE and not a DIET. Weight loss is simply a bi-product of the changes I'm making. Oddly enough, I'm also getting more things done!
I guess a little dab really can do ya, one little dab at time.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
And to top that off, my weight has been see-sawing up and down a couple of pounds for the past three days. It started by see-sawing UP (of course) on my WW meeting day, which means my OFFICIAL weigh in didn't show any progress whatsoever.
So here's the up side. I went to the meeting. I stayed on program. I exercised. These are my steps to success, and it's my job to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. As my wise sister has been known to say, "God promises to guide our footsteps, but we still have to move our feet!" So okay. This is me moving my feet. The rest is up to You, Lord. Amen.
Monday, September 5, 2011
For the past seven weeks I've gone through some peaks and valleys physically. My energy level has on many occasions been lower than my normal state of lethargy. I assumed that my body was "adjusting" to my new way of eating. It was screaming, "What are you doing to me? Where are my little powdered sugar donuts?!? How do expect me to survive on fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lean proteins?!?! For heaven's sake stop moving around so much and sit down!!"
I like this waking up, eyes wide open (and not one thought of needing toothpicks to keep them that way) and feeling ready to do whatever needs to be done. I'm hoping this is a glimpse of what's to come and what I've heard other people talk about who have lost weight...lots of energy! Feeling good, WANTING to do things I need to do, is SO MUCH BETTER than how I used to feel--dragging myself around between naps and feedings.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
If I was measuring my hope, the change would be off the charts!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Of course, that particular dream has always been about little white powdered sugar donuts (my particular nemesis.) Last night I dreamed about cooking MEAT. Particularly, me trying to cook a big feast. What a mess I made! There was food everywhere, except on plates or platters. It was on the wall, in the bottom of the oven, splattered across the front of the fridge. A kind of creepy, food-fight nightmare!
I guess it is possible that this dream was a subconcious attempt to return to my former way of eating. But when I think about it, that seems doubtful since I'm not known for my cooking...messy or not! Maybe it was my subconcious working through the idea that I WANT to become good at cooking, and my confidence level about doing that is quite low. When I look at it that way, I feel kind of encouraged about creating a new future instead of worried about returning to past bad habits. So that's the way I'll choose to look at it. Maybe one day I'll have a feast dream that presents a truly beautiful and healthy picture. I'm certain that in that dream my husband will also be there, cleaning up behind me!
And, I also must remember that what I'm doing now is not all about my efforts, but about trusting God to give me that new future. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11