Monday, October 29, 2012
Who am I?
I'm only halfway to my goal, but I look different than I did before. After spending most of my adult life being very obese, it's a bit of challenge to see myself as this smaller, "merely" overweight person. It takes some getting used to.
While I have been frustrated with my stalled weight loss, I'm also glad that I've had some time to get used to this new, smaller person I see in the mirror. It's the strangest thing...not being comfortable in your own skin. It's especially strange because, of course, getting smaller is the goal. But getting smaller is freaking me out a little.
For most of my adult life, I have taken up a certain amount of space in the world. That space has diminished. I have gotten smaller. Oddly enough, being smaller (for a woman) brings more power. It's almost like the bigger you are, the more invisible you are, and the smaller you are, the more presence you have. For me, I think being extremely large was my way of blending into the woodwork. Becoming smaller, I feel more...exposed.
It all just makes me realize that who I am...what size I am...is not just a function of what I eat and how much I exercise, but it also depends on what and how I think. I believe this aspect of weight loss is why 95% of the people who lose weight end up gaining it all back. They change the outside but they don't change their minds about who they are, fundamentally.
For me, making that fundamental change is my real goal. I want eating right to be just the way I eat. I want exercise to be something I look forward to. My body is changing, but I want to change my mind too.