Handicapped

Sometimes, I can be difficult.

I can be critical, judgmental and unpleasant to be around.  I don't like this side of myself, but there it is.  So many times I have wished people would understand that when I am less than my best self, it's because I'm battling old fears and hurts.

I bring this subject up in this-here-weight-loss blog because it's one of the reasons I have eaten too much over a vast portion of my life.  For many years I buried my hurts under a pile of some kind of fattening food, or drowned them in a pool of alcohol, or both!  Even though I look normal, I often feel handicapped, unable to deal with the normal pains and miseries that life sometimes brings to us all.

Then, it hit me.  Life brings pain and miseries to us all.  In a way, we are all handicapped.  I'm not the only one.  Everyone is dealing with something.  Realizing this helps me, hopefully, to be more understanding.  And hopefully, I can also remember this the next time I feel like being critical, judgemental or unpleasant. 

I have always known that in order to win the weight-loss battle, I needed to deal with the underlying issues of why I was eating too much.  This is definitely one of those issues.  Please don't think that by recognizing this I am sitting here feeling bad about myself!  On the contrary, I feel...relieved.  It's like a knot has unloosed from my innards that has been there most of my life.  I'm sure there will be other knots to untangle, but this feels like progress.

This is an imperfect world, and I tend to be a perfectionist.  I have been frustrated by the inevitable imperfections that I see every day.  I have tried to "fix" things, or have complained about the ones I couldn't fix, and/or have tried to eat my frustrations away.  And all this time, I've been missing the point entirely.  The point is, we are all doing the best we can, and we need to cut each other some slack.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't be accountable, but we need...I NEED...to be more understanding when things don't go the way we wish they would.

One reason I have been so "prickly" most of my life is that I have felt so alone and unacceptable.  But now, thanks to the wonderful friends God has brought into my life, I feel...how shall I put it?....more safe.  I like this feeling.  I love my friends.  I'm so grateful to have you all in my life (including my sister!)  Your love and acceptance is really helping me get through all this.  It's like, yeah, we're all handicapped in some way, but we're going to make it through.  Together. 

Hugs.