Hidden Pain

I am in pain.

The source of the pain is difficult to share, and not really necessary.  Suffice to say I recently had my faults laid out for me in a very up close and personal way.

The pain comes from the fact that everything that was laid before me was absolutely true, and that through these faults I unintentionally hurt someone I care about.  Those of you who know me can probably name of few of my faults without much effort.  You know...those things about ourselves that we know are not good, but that we hope that people will overlook.

I take several lessons from this experience.  First, and least important, is that by some miracle I didn't turn to food for comfort in the wake of this pain.  That, at least, is encouraging.  Second, I am more aware of the fact that most of us are walking around in pain, and hiding it.  I am hoping this awareness will help me remember to measure my interactions with people...to be more understanding and thoughtful in how I think about them and what I say. 

One other lesson--and I'm sure more will surface--is that forgiveness is the key to moving forward.  Forgiveness has been offered and received, from both sides.  But today I realized that in order for me to move forward in a healthy and productive way, I also need to be able to forgive myself.  This, it turns out, is the hardest thing to do.  Right now I just want to shut down and shut up, so I don't accidentally hurt anybody else.  But somewhere in there is a balance...a balance between doing nothing and getting out there anyway, taking the risk that I am going to totally blow it.  Even writing this blog is a risk.  It is presumptive that my thoughts are worth reading or thinking about.  I have to believe that shutting down is just as destructive as eating too much or lashing out in revenge.  So my toe is in the water.  But I have to tell you, the water is cold.

Hugs.