Sometimes Life Hurts

I love dogs.  There was one on the freeway yesterday.  A beautiful Golden Retriever who ran in front of the six cars (which swerved to miss it) in the lanes to my right, and then right in front of my car.  I hit the brakes.  I swerved.  But I still hit the beautiful dog. 

I looked in the rearview mirror.  The dog was in the median, licking its obviously hurting hind legs.  It was obvious to me that his legs were hurting because I knew I had run over them. 

I felt sick.  My friend got on her cell phone and called the appropriate authorities to come pick the dog up.  I prayed that they would come quickly, and either be able to treat him or put him out of his misery. 

My friend started to reassure me.  I didn't lose control of the car.  There could have been a terrible accident involving several cars and we needed to be grateful that didn't happen.  We couldn't stop on the freeway to help the dog because that also would not be safe and could have caused an accident.

All the things she said were true, but I was still heartbroken.  I went through the motions of my day, but wasn't functioning very well.  I couldn't concentrate.  I kept replaying the incident in my mind.  When I got home I sat on the couch and cried.

The one thing I didn't do was eat inappropriately.  It didn't occur to me until later that I had not reacted to this terrible incident with an overwhelming desire to eat away my sad and uncomfortable feelings.  This is something new.  One small pinpoint of light in the midst of a truly dark day.

I'll never forget what happened yesterday.  Those memories will always hurt.  But I hope I will also remember that I didn't react to the hurt with eating, which would have caused further hurt and which couldn't have helped that dog, or me, or anyone else.  Sometimes all we can do is cry.

You said You'd come and share all my sorrows,
You said You'd be there for all my tomorrows;
I came so close to sending You away,
But just like You promised You came there to stay;
I just had to pray!

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

Your goodness so great I can't understand,
And, dear Lord, I know that all this was planned;
I know You're here now, and always will be,
Your love loosed my chains and in You I'm free;
But Jesus, why me?

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul,
I know that without God I'd never be whole;
Savior, You opened all the right doors,
And I thank You and praise You from earth's humble shores;
Take me, I'm Yours.

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by My side,
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied;
I felt ev'ry teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

(For Those Tears I Died by Marsha Stevens) 

Fear . . . and Hope

This morning I woke up thinking about all the times I've failed at trying to lose weight in the past.  They say that yo-yo dieting makes it harder for your body to lose weight.  I think it also makes it harder for your mind and your spirit to be willing to even try again.  I can remember so many times I felt a small stirring of wanting to try again, but the fear of yet another failure was enough to keep me from trying too hard.

It was only seeing the pictures of myself from this summer's Vacation Bible School that gave me the resolve to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WEIGHT PROBLEM.  Because I've failed so many times in the past, for so many years, I knew that this time had to be different.  I knew that this time I had to resolve myself to a real lifestyle change, and not just another diet that I would go off of someday.  My history with diets is that I can usually, through sheer power of the will, stay on one for about three months.  I went six months with one program, but for one reason or another (tragedy, stress, holidays, hot weather, cold weather, waking up in the morning, breathing) I have always fallen off the wagon and returned to my well established habit patterns of eating.

I've been doing so great this time.  Then I woke up this morning thinking, "Well, sure.  I haven't hit the three month mark yet!"  And the fear rises within me.  Another failure skulking behind the bushes, just waiting for me to hit That One Thing that will throw me off track.

This time HAS TO BE DIFFERENT!  So far, it has felt different to me and I have felt real hope that I can make this lifestyle change and lose this extra weight.  But I can't do it on my own.  I need help.  I need help from the people in my life, which thankfully, I have.  I need help from my Lord and Savior, who promises to walk with me through all the trials of my life.  And this is where I place my hope---in Him.  Because on my own power, I can't do it.  I've proven that time and again.  I can only get myself so far, but His resolve never waivers.

So, Lord, here is my fear.  I give it to You with open hands.  I trust You to keep it from devouring me.  Thank you for loving me, fat or thin.  Amen.

Freedom

"Everything is permissible," but not everything is helpful. "Everything is permissible,"  but not everything builds up.                 1 Corinthians 10:23 (HCS)

This is one of my favorite Bible verses.  I consider it often when it comes to food.  One of the things I really like about Weight Watchers is that I really can eat anything I want to eat, as long as I own up to how many points it is.  But lately I've been thinking about the quality of what I actually choose to put in my mouth.

I do have the choice to eat pizza, doughnuts, enchiladas...you name it.  And, I've been eating "lighter" versions of these things in the past several weeks.  But something strange is happening.  I'm starting to be particular about eating food that will help me, food that will build up my body in a healthy way.  I think it started when we went on that road trip, and I wasn't even tempted to eat a Danish pastry.  Instead of seeing the pastries as "forbidden fruit" which makes them even more desirable, I saw them as something I could have if I wanted, but I just didn't want any!

This might be recordable as a miracle.  I choose health!  Freedom is cool.

Weigh Day - Total Loss: 15.2 Pounds!

Scale: Friend or Foe?  Well, obviously--today anyway--Friend.  Even though I weigh every day and I have been very faithfully sticking to my program, I still feel a little anxious each official "Weigh Day" before I step on the scale.  During the week, things may go up or down, but today It Counts.  There's a part of me that feels like it's not such a good thing that I am obsessed with weighing every day.  But I know, from past experience, that the first day I don't get on the scale (because I don't want to due to consuming mass quantities of food)--I'm in trouble.  What I have to convince myself of is that the scale is Friend no matter which way the results go, because it's not about the weight.  It's about accountability.  It's good to be accountable to others...such as posting my results on this blog or going to Weight Watchers meetings...but it is even more important to learn to be accountable to myself.  I need to be willing to take responsibility for my own choices.  No excuses.  No passing the buck.  Ultimately, I am responsible to God for how I take care of this body He has given me.  So here's to weighing every day and sharing that weekly on this here Blog.  Amen. 

Thoughts on Weighing and Measuring . . .

I've been weighing and measuring my food.  I've been weighing and measuring myself.  I tried to weigh and measure the cats, but they rebelled.

I can't blame them.  I know how they feel.  For all of my life up to this point, I also squirmed and hissed and ran away whenever weighing and measuring was brought up.  Who wants the hassle of doing this to your food?  Who wants the potential distress of doing this to yourself?

The funny thing is, it doesn't bother me any more.  I keep the digital food scale out on the kitchen counter.  It's always ready.  I don't have to guess how much I'm supposed to eat...I know.  Surprisingly, it's usually more than I think it's going to be.  And as for myself, I weigh every day and measure once a week.

Yeah, I know.  You're not "supposed" to weigh every day.  But I find it works for me.  My weight naturally goes up and down during the week, but I can see the trend.  If my official weigh day happens to be an up day, knowing it'll probably go down again in a day or two keeps me going.  The measuring shows me the physical changes that are happening, even if my weight is standing still. 

Surrendering my resistance to weighing and measuring has made my life much easier.  It's like surrending my will to God.  If I can just quit kicking and screaming for 30 seconds, He might be able to show me which direction He wants me to go.

I don't think the cats will be surrendering any time soon. 

Meetings.

I started out this adventure with Weight Watchers Online and Jenny Craig food.  A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Weight Watchers meeting with my neighbor (just so she wouldn't have to go alone)... and I liked it!  So today was my third meeting.  

It's kinda ironic that I was determined to do this ALL ON MY OWN AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO HELP ME THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and now I'm going to meetings with my neighbor and appreciating the support I'm getting there.

I've been to meetings before, and didn't like them.  But also, before, I wasn't really committed to following whatever program I was meeting with.  My rules are simple:

1.  If I eat something, write it down.

2.  If  Weight Watchers gives me something to read, I'm going to actually read it.

There is hope for a thinner future. 

And the answer is...NO!

I did not lose weight this week.  In fact, I gained two tenths of a pound.

However, I did lose and inch and a half off my hips!

I'll take it.