Saturday, August 4, 2012
It is at those times...these times...that I try to concentrate on perspective. I think about people who have lived in the midst of war or famine and tell myself that my problems aren't so bad. But I also realize that I have lived much of my life in this "so what" state of mind. I'm certain that is one of the reasons I got to a point where I needed to lose over a hundred pounds in the first place, because I had "so whatted" myself with food and more food to try not to feel the pain that was going on in my life.
So. There is pain going on in my life. A part of me....a big part....wants to try to eat that pain away. But I know...I have learned...that eating too much ultimately only adds to my pain. I can tell myself, "So what?" or I can ask myself, "So, what?" What am I going to do instead? How am I going to negotiate this pain storm? When I really don't care what happens to me, how am I going to hang on until I care again?
So, what I am doing today is being gentle with myself. I don't really care what I eat so I'm following my plan. I'm looking at eating properly like I'm following a doctor's orders or something. Don't think about it. Just follow your plan. A default position, if you will. I'm going to have a quiet day at home...no extra people...because that's what I need in times like this. I'm going to get through today, and hope that tomorrow feels better and more hopeful. I'm going to try to remember to breathe, because that's really important. I'm going to ask God to put His arms around me and say, "There, there."