Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Ok. I'm not perfect.
I know I'm in trouble because I haven't even been weighing in at home, and that's always a sign that something is wrong. Like, I've been eating too much. And the wrong things.
In the past when I got to this point in a dieting attempt, I would say to myself, "Well, you obviously can't do this, so why even try?" This time, I'm trying to tell myself, "Everybody goes through this. You just need to find your way back from the dark side."
The deeper issue here is realizing how I demand perfection from myself, in almost everything. Then when my obvious imperfections flare up I get mad at myself and go to the other extreme, being as imperfect as I possibly can. (Hmmm...can a person perfect imperfection?)
We always have choices. Every day is a new chance for a fresh beginning. But I have to ask myself this question: Is it a new chance to try to be perfect, or is it a new chance to learn to accept the fact that I am not perfect? And if I accept that I am not perfect, can I still find a way to live that is healthy and that results in my continuing to lose weight? Can I allow myself, in front of you and God and everybody else, to mess up and then keep going? Or will I throw in the towel because I'm ashamed of admitting that this is hard and I'm not doing so great right now?
I mentioned to a friend yesterday that I was trying to gain control over certain areas of my life, and her response surprised me. "You don't need to gain control," she said, "you need to let go of control. That's the goal." So, I'm letting go. I'm going to WW and weighing in, knowing that my weight is probably up. I'm accepting that I am not perfect and that does not mean I am a failure. I am just a person on a rough road, and what I need to do is face reality and keep walking, both figuratively and literally. Sure, sometimes reality sucks. But we still have each other.