Second Guessing

It's hard to concentrate on my diet right now.

I've overcome a lot of challenges since starting this journey, but this is the toughest yet.  Start with a two-month plateau, and add to that a trip to the ER and life-threatening blood clots lurking somewhere in my body...it's hard to concentrate on my diet right now.

The hardest part is feeling helpless and at the mercy of doctor's schedules and insurance approvals.  Then there is being hypersensitive to every little ache and pain I feel in my leg, my arm, my chest, my neck.  Waiting.  For the piercing pain I felt Saturday, the shortness of breath, the fear.  Okay, I don't have to wait for the fear.  It's nuzzling right up next to me.

Anyway, the diet doesn't seem like such a big deal right now.  I can't exercise (don't want to increase blood flow and move the clot from its present location) but I have to move so as not to form more clots.  How much do I move?  How much do I rest?  I'm running out of diet-friendly groceries and my husband is busy catching up at work after taking off to be with me during the crisis.  Is it safe to drive?  When I'm alone, I'm making sure the front door is unlocked and the phone is at my side, in case I have to call 911 again.

So it's hard to concentrate on my diet right now.

These are the moments in life when everyone wants to help but nobody knows what to do...including me.  I wrote a song recently about trusting God, and one line is, "I will trust You through the stormy seas."  I know He loves me.  And even if the worst does happen, I'll be good because I'll be with Him.  But in the meantime...it's still scary.

Here's the whole lyric of my song, I Will Trust:

I will trust in You when skies are grey,
I will trust You hear me when I pray.
I will trust You'll be with me through my darkest night,
I will trust in You because You are the Light.

I will trust You when I feel the rain,
I will trust You when I am in pain,
I will trust You when sunset ends the perfect day,
I will trust in You because You are the Way.

And I'm trusting that Your promises are true,
There's a place for me in Heaven, made by you.
And one day I'll stand before You in Your glory and Your grace,
And I'll finally see you face to face!

I will trust You through the stormy seas.
I will trust You in the gentle breeze.
I will trust that I'm part of Your eternal plan.
I will trust in You because You are the Lamb.
I will trust because You are the great I Am.

Hugs.

911!

Saturday afternoon I had to call 911.

I thought I was having a heart attack, but it turned out to be something else.  Anyway, I have spent the last three days in the Heart Hospital getting everything checked out!

The good news is that they did an angiogram and my arteries were "wide open."  I must attribute that to Weight Watchers, because I have had this test done before and they weren't so clear.  I found this to be very encouraging, and a good reason to stay the course on my dieting efforts.

Life is so very precious.  I have come home from the hospital today with a renewed resolve to continue working toward adopting a healthy lifestyle.  It isn't easy, as we all know.  But the alternative is Not Worth It!  I want to do everything in my power to avoid being rushed to the hospital again!  And I want to encourage everyone I know to do the same.

Even through this ordeal, God has blessed me.  Many prayers were sent to Him on my behalf, and I felt those prayers.  So, boring or not, I'm sticking to my plan. I don't want to squander the time He has given me.  Every moment is a gift from Him, and I don't think He's asking too much for me to take care of myself with healthy eating and moderate exercise, or even taking a few pills (which I hate to do) for a while.

BTW, I'm going to have to have my gallbladder removed.  I wonder how much it weighs?

Hugs.

Starting Over . . . Again!

Those of you who have seen my new hairdo will appreciate this picture!

As you know, I have been struggling, messing around, floundering...you name it...for the past couple of months.  My weight loss has stopped.  My resolve has weakened.  I've been looking for the strength to carry on with this whole dieting thing!

And then...click.  That's the way it happens.  Something clicks and you're ready.  You understand.  It all makes sense and you know what you have to do.

I don't know if I can even describe what clicked.  A year ago, it happened after seeing those pictures from Vacation Bible School.  Now, I just kept hanging in there until the click chimed into my brain.

A year ago, I didn't really believe that I could stick with this plan for very long.  Now, I have changed so much that it has been hard for me to see where to go from here!  I think I was uncomfortable with changing even more that I already had.

A year ago, I couldn't really see myself getting to goal.  I could see myself losing some weight...but not going the distance...even though I really wanted to finally get there.  Now, I can actually imagine what it might be like not to be overweight.

The best part is that I feel calm.  Not anxious.  Not doubting.  Just ready to take the next step.  I still have a lot to learn.  Hope you'll hang in there with me!

Hugs.

Friends

Yesterday, I attended the memorial service of a dear friend who passed away last month.

The service was held at a church where I was a member for over 10 years.  Many of my old friends were there honoring Carol's memory, and I found myself tearing up just because it was so good to see those familiar faces again.

It made me realize that I never want to take any of my friends for granted.  Some of them I get to see on a regular basis, and others I may not have seen for years, but that doesn't make them any less precious to me.

I've said it before, but let me take this opportunity again to say how much I appreciate and love you, my friends!  My life is rich because of you.  I can never feel lonely because of you.  I believe, because I have your loving support, that I can achieve this life-long dream of losing all this extra weight!  

God bless you!

Hugs.

People will talk.

Don't get me wrong.

I love that people are always saying something to me about my weight loss.  Their comments are encouraging, as I am sure they are meant to be.

It's odd, though.  Lately when someone says something to me about how GREAT I look, I find myself wishing we could talk about something else.  And then I want to eat a pizza or something.

This is obviously something I need to work on.  I need to be able to deal with all the attention.  I need to realize that when I achieve my goal, in many ways that accomplishment will define me.  For the rest of my life.  And people will talk about it.

Duh, you might say.  What else did I expect?  Why would such a thing bother me?  Wouldn't everyone love to be the center of such positive attention?

All I can say is that if I had all my emotional cupcakes in a row, I wouldn't have gained all that weight in the first place.  Or maybe sometimes the attention bothers me because I still have a long way to go to reach my goal, and I don't want to start the party just yet.  Or, maybe, I get nervous about having to keep up the good job of losing weight (especially when it has been so tough lately.)

 <sigh>

Note to self:  Step AWAY from the pizza!

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Hugs.

..and the Truth shall set you free!

This quote is the story of my life!

One thing I have been miserable about is facing the truth about my eating:  how much I eat, what I eat, why I eat.

The truth is, I have resented the idea of having to limit how much food I eat.  But the truth also is, eating without limits is what got me 130 pounds overweight in the first place.  The truth is, my body will respond to the amount of food I put into it.  Period. 

I have defiantly refused to quit eating foods that aren't healthy, because...well...I just don't want to!  But the truth is, there are some foods that I should stay away from for my own good.  The truth is, I can eat anything in moderation and still lose weight, but to experience the benefits of having a healthy body I need to pay attention to the quality of what I'm eating. 

I have not wanted to let go of using food as my pacifier when I am sad, lonely, depressed, upset, etc.  But, the truth is, food is not a pacifier. It's food. Fuel. We have to eat it to live. God, in all His glorious generosity, also made it enjoyable. The truth is, I have been consoling myself with the gift instead of the Giver.

The truth is, when I make reasonable and healthy choices about what I eat, I feel better.  I look better.  I am more content with my life overall.  The truth is, I still am going to struggle with wanting to go back to those old ways of thinking.  The truth is, that's life.  The truth is, the choice is mine:  bondage to food and fat, or FREEDOM!

I choose freedom.  And that's the truth.

Hugs.



Moment of Truth

It has been a tough week.

After weighing in the other day at my WW meeting, I discovered that over the past three weeks I have gained 4.2 pounds.  Also, I hurt my back last week so I haven't been able to exercise the way I'd like to.  Add to the mix that I seem to be experiencing some kind of emotional "melt down" and have been feeling very depressed.  Also, my blood pressure is up and I probably need to go on medication for that.

Such circumstances, I'm used to.  Life never seems to flow along without difficulties for any length of time.  The difference, now, is that instead of turning to eating as my safety/sanity valve, I'm trying to keep on program and behave like an adult.  I'm about 50% successful in that effort.  The crappy part is that trying to eat right and behave like an adult seems to only add to my stress level!

And yet, I know, deep down, that this is the battle I must win.  It's time to grow up.  I can blindly abandon myself to unhealthy ways of coping with the inevitable problems of life, or I can mindfully apply all the lessons I've been learning over the past year and move forward with purpose.  For me, that means being able to hang in there with my program even though I'm not doing a very good job of it right now.  It means hanging in there even though I want to pout about how hard it all is.  It means hanging in there even when I don't feel like it.

The good news is that I knew this Moment of Truth was coming.  The bad news is, it came! But I take comfort in knowing that while this is a personal battle, I don't have to face it alone.  I don't have to pretend that any of this is easy.  I know that my blog followers and friends are rooting for me, and I know...most importantly...that though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with me. So here's to facing reality, hanging in there, and getting on with it all.  I love you guys.

Hugs.