This is hard to write about. The bottom line is, I'm afraid that I will become thin and attractive...and that it still won't be enough. I still won't be good enough.
If I fail and I'm fat, I can blame my failure on being fat. I can say things like, people don't take me seriously because I'm fat. But if I am thin, and people don't take me seriously, then what? Then that must mean there is something fundamentally wrong with me. With who I am.
I'm not saying this fear is rational. It comes from years of hurt and rejection that isn't worth going into here. The ultimate fear is that all those people who hurt and rejected me were right. That I am really not good enough.
But what if all those people were wrong? What if the hurt and rejection we feel from other people is more about them that it is about us? What if the reason I can't get over my past pain is that I need to forgive them for how they made me feel? What if I am good enough...we are all good enough...just the way we are...warts and all? What if it's okay for me to get thin and still not be good enough for some people?
I love this quote from Churchill. The success or failure of my journey is not what matters. What matters is having the courage to step out onto the bridge. To keep going. To dare to succeed and let other people think what they will. To try to understand and forgive them. To try to understand and forgive myself.
Hugs.
I can't believe I just did what I just did! I accidentally navigated off this page and lost the long reply I just wrote!!! I'll try again tomorrow. It's too late now.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Your ridiculous sister. :)
Hi Cindy,
ReplyDeleteOk. I'll try again.
First, I'm trying to remember what Pete Hinojosa said. I think it was "People don't do things against you, they do them for themselves." I have some personal experience with this and know that it is absolutely true. So to your question, "What if all those people were wrong?" I answer, They were!!!! They all had their own long list of problems that overflowed onto you. Sherri Rose--"Hurting people hurt people." And I know I don't even have to remind you about what she said about wearing their word curses.
Second, this blog post brings to mind all my favorite quotes! Akeela and the Bee--"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God...."
Third, a favorite quote from the Bible, Galatians 5:1 " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Freedom. Oh to be free of the yoke of the past. You know that we both have a lot of past to be weighed down by. John 8:36 "So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" It's a gift!
Fourth, you ARE brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous!!! I just googled Cindy Ramming Author and Cindy Ramming Quilter (for the millionth time). I'm always shocked when I do this. Good heavens! You are leaving your mark on the world! The only reason I don't get hits for any of the many songs you've written is that you haven't had them published...yet! You are smart and gifted and talented and fabulous! This journey you are on is just one more way to be fabulous! You are His creation. He wants you to be the fabulous you that He created you to be--in every way. He's waiting for you. He won't force you, for "love does not insist on its own way." (1 Cor 13) He's called you on to this path and waits patiently for you.
None of these quotes would be complete without Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. My favorite thing about this verse is that it is for ALL things. Nothing is left out!
I love you and adore you, my adorable sister :) I hope to talk to you tomorrow.
Your sister