Friday, November 2, 2012
What am I so afraid of?
This is hard to write about. The bottom line is, I'm afraid that I will become thin and attractive...and that it still won't be enough. I still won't be good enough.
If I fail and I'm fat, I can blame my failure on being fat. I can say things like, people don't take me seriously because I'm fat. But if I am thin, and people don't take me seriously, then what? Then that must mean there is something fundamentally wrong with me. With who I am.
I'm not saying this fear is rational. It comes from years of hurt and rejection that isn't worth going into here. The ultimate fear is that all those people who hurt and rejected me were right. That I am really not good enough.
But what if all those people were wrong? What if the hurt and rejection we feel from other people is more about them that it is about us? What if the reason I can't get over my past pain is that I need to forgive them for how they made me feel? What if I am good enough...we are all good enough...just the way we are...warts and all? What if it's okay for me to get thin and still not be good enough for some people?
I love this quote from Churchill. The success or failure of my journey is not what matters. What matters is having the courage to step out onto the bridge. To keep going. To dare to succeed and let other people think what they will. To try to understand and forgive them. To try to understand and forgive myself.